In November of 2016 Jonathan Stewart of the Carolina Panthers appeared on an episode of NFL.com’s “The Rookie Handbook”. He talked about how during a play his rookie year, he had to pee so badly, he literally peed all the way from his stance, to taking the carry, to evading tacklers, and still continued to pee at the bottom of the pile. Talk about multi-tasking. It’s hard enough to poop and surf Instagram at the same time, let alone gain positive yardage and evade tacklers while urinating down your leg. In light of Stewart’s confession, let’s take a look at 10 other athletes who are as a cool as Miles Davis.
No. 10: Jon Cena
On an episode of Total Divas, Jon Cena was told by girlfriend Nikki Bella about a time fellow WWE star Natalya Neidhart peed her pants during a match, “A lot!”. In typical
testosterone filled, meathead good boyfriend style, Cena decided to one up Nikki by describing the time he had food poisoning so bad during a match, that he shit his pants and puked underneath the ring. Jon Cena: 1,000. Nikki / Natalya: 0
No. 9: Jeff Garcia
“My first year in the league, I tried the towel thing. It was in a preseason game. Second half. I figured, ‘Well, I’ll try it with a towel. Just pee into the towel.’ I had to go pretty bad. As soon as I felt the warm pee touch my leg, I shut it down. I said, ‘I can’t do this.’ It’s just nasty. I couldn’t follow through with it. Players try all sorts of tricks to relieve themselves out there.”
It’s crazy to think that a single man could prematurely shut down his bladder, but couldn’t do the same for his career. Simply amazing.
No. 8: Wayne Gretzky
During Game 2 of the 1987 Canada Cup, Gretzky said that he was so exhausted during the first overtime, that in the process of losing control of his entire body, he peed himself just before heading onto the ice. If the Great One can’t overcome bladder pressure, then there’s no hope for you on that first date, trying to look engaged after your fifth margarita and acting like you want to hear what their co-worker brought in for lunch even though you are slowly dying inside.
No. 7: Manny Ramirez
There are guys who wait until they’re on the bench to relieve themselves, and then there’s Manny…being Manny, who disappeared into the Green Monster to pee while playing the field. I believe the old adage goes, “If a Manny Ramirez leaves the field during a game to piss, does it make a sound?” Answer: He doesn’t care.
No. 6: Bill “Henry” Walker
Unlike other athletes on this list, Bill “Henry” Walker saw his expanded bladder as an opportunity to put on a show for people in attendance, let alone conceal the truth for a later date. Walker’s performance was applauded by the Wildcat fan base, leading to the season long campaign, “Bill Walker Pisses Excellence”.
No. 5: Nick Novak
Isn’t there a small part of you that wishes the water boy took Novak’s pee cup and put it amongst the rest on the table, and then watched from a distance with the other water boys – giggling – seeing which player will drink it while kinda rooting for Rivers to be that guy? No? Ok. I’ll shut up now.
Addendum: Not shutting up actually. Pivoting to players who peed themselves on purpose.
No. 4: Channing Crowder
“I peed down my leg during any game. I never went to the bathroom in a toilet. Six years straight I peed down my leg. I would just be in the huddle and just pee. You wouldn’t even notice. Nobody in the stands would know unless you look down like, ‘That’s not water man!’”
Crowder’s the only player on record to have accomplished such a feat for six straight years. Get this guy into Canton stat!
No. 3: Mark Schlereth
“Pretty much every game I did. I was already drenched in sweat so it was no real difference to me. So later the nickname got shortened to just Stink. Hey — I was miserable anyhow out on the field, I wasn’t going to hold it in and become even more miserable.”
No. 2: Moises Alou
The secret to hitting .303 for your career? Pee on your hands. Moises Alou believed such a practice toughened his hands so he could have more control over the bat. And to think an entire generation of baseball players chose steroids over urine…
No. 1: Jorge Posada
Jorge Posada believed that urine would help heal blisters and cuts. He offered fair warning to teammates and coaches, saying, “You don’t want to shake my hand during spring training.” R.I.P. to all those umpires who had to deal with Posada’s pee hands.