First, let’s address the Dumbo in the room–this article has nothing to do with anybody’s politics and is strictly based on talent (or lack thereof) on the football field. While we acknowledge that Colin Kaepernick’s game has more flaws than Adam Sandler’s latest Netflix movie, we still think he’s more deserving of a job than these ten currently employed QBs…
10. Ryan Fitzpatrick
On the heels of the worst season of his career and his recent signing by the Bucs, we’re putting the Harvard grad on this list. Fitzpatrick was unwatchable last season for the Jets, throwing 17 interceptions to just 12 TDs while leading the team to a 3-8 record. Prior to last season, Fitz had actually been a halfway decent NFL QB, which is why he gets number ten honors, but we’d still rather have Kaep under center on our imaginary football team.
9. Trevone Boykin
Let’s be clear, Trevone has barely played at the highest level and we aren’t saying he’s not a talented quarterback, but given that the Seahawks make too much sense as a landing spot for Kaep, we had to put Boykin on this list. Unlike Kaepernick, Boykin’s off-the-field issues have been of the legal variety, and Pete Carroll has shown little to no confidence in Boykin as Russell Wilson’s backup. If only there was another capable alternative with a similar style of play to Wilson available on the open market…
8. Case Keenum
Woof. After muddling the excitement of the entire city of Los Angeles like a bartender making mojitos with his uninspiring start to last season, Keenum is now string number three for the Minnesota Vikings. While his career numbers aren’t the worst we’ve ever seen, they are far inferior to Kaepernick’s, and he has the added disadvantage of being named Case. Should’ve stuck with Casey, bro.
7. Matt Cassel
Since a career-best season as the starter for Kansas City in 2010, King of the Cassel has been a pillar of mediocrity. While the idea of a veteran with starting experience is a comforting combination for a backup, Cassel has zero excitement factor to his game and doesn’t inspire much confidence with the ball in his hands. We can think of at least one agile pass-thrower who’d be a better security blanket for Marcus Mariota.
6. Geno Smith
Geno quietly left one New York team for the other this offseason and will be backing up Eli for the Giants, something we’re sure fans of the G-Men are thrilled about. After being thrust into the starting role in his rookie season to, shall we say, mixed results, Smith has had his troubles both on and off the field. Given that he’s a player with a similar but substandard skill set to Kaepernick, it’s odd to us that Geno has a job and Colin doesn’t.
5. Mark Sanchez
Oh, Marky Mark, you’ve been given so many chances, and while you haven’t always been terrible, you’ve been consistently disappointing. You’ll probably get some playing time in Chi-Town this year backing up Mike Glennon, but that doesn’t mean you’ve done anything to deserve it. Also, being Mike Glennon’s backup is just about the least sexy title imaginable for an NFL QB.
4. Blaine Gabbert
With less flash than a broken Kodak, Kaep’s former teammate in San Fran was an obvious addition to this list. Kaepernick is just better in every facet of the game and his career numbers back it up. The fact that the 49ers subjected their fans to 13 games of Ol’ Plain Blaine while Colin rode the pine is borderline insulting.
3. Drew Stanton
Stanton must be homies with Carson Palmer because he should’ve been let go by the Cardinals a long time ago. With a career completion percentage just a shade above 50% and a 14/19 TD/INT ratio, it’s baffling that Stanton remains employed. We hear he gives great neck and shoulder massages and constantly compliments Bruce Arians’ Kangols, so that could explain it.
2. Scott Tolzien
We’re not gonna hate too much on Tolzien because a lot of people don’t know he exists. In his brief playing time, he’s racked up two touchdowns and seven interceptions, which for those of you counting at home is not an optimal ratio. He vaguely resembles Andrew Luck in both size and goofy-looking white guy-ness, but other than that we see no reason why Indy would trust him with the ball if Lucky Strike goes down.
1. Ryan Mallett
The face on Bill O’Brien’s dartboard es no bueno. It makes sense that Baltimore would choose him to back up Joe Flacco, as they are both giant, clumsy, uninspiring passers, but it doesn’t make sense that Mallett is still employed in the National Football League. Aside from struggling with his passing accuracy, sources also indicate that Mallett shoots paper into the trash can at below 50% and has yet to successfully toss an item of clothing into his laundry hamper.