Whether you’re a destructive psychopath who happens to be extremely physically gifted or a professional athlete who has the occasional drinking scandal, you shouldn’t do the crime if you can’t do the time. (And by time, we mean infinite public ridicule and internet memes.) If you do commit the crime, get ready to say cheese. Otherwise you’ll end up on lists like these for longer than you’re paying alimony.
12. Mike Tyson
Mike Tyson is a walking mugshot. He has a face tattoo and became successful by legally assaulting people for several decades. The fact that he couldn’t keep it in the ring is sad but not shocking. I feel like Tyson should be the top suspect in every assault. Someone beat this person up? Ask the guy who’s been financially rewarded for doing that for two decades and also couldn’t think of a reason not to get a face tattoo.
11. Vince Young
Vince Young was so good. What happened? What happened, Vince? No answer? Okay, well let’s just talk about this picture – this wasn’t just a DUI, it was a DWT, DWM, DWS (Driving With Twinkie, Driving With McDonald’s, Driving While Sad). The man needs help and you can’t get that at the bottom of a bottle, unless your therapist is a literal shrink at the bottom of a bottle.
10. Gilbert Arenas
9. Hines Ward
Hines Ward always came up clutch for the Pittsburgh Steelers, but unfortunately for old Hinesy, none of his drinking buddies came up clutch for him when he was too drunk to drive. Ward reportedly screamed “Yo, when I’m too drunk I should press a button and a mothafucker should be here in no time.” And thus Uber was born.
8. Floyd Mayweather
The guy’s nickname is money. Floyd now is known as a money machine with a big mouth, but here he looks like a choir boy who punched a man for disrespecting his mother.
7. Dennis Rodman
Dennis Rodman is basically the US Ambassador to North Korea, and it’s still not the craziest thing he’s ever done. Dennis seems like he looks in the mirror every morning and says, “Let’s see how far we can push this.” The only thing that could lock down a scorer like Rodman is probably a jail cell.
6. Deion Sanders
This is a “you think you can touch me” face. This is the type of confidence you get from having the nickname Showtime; it’s the type of confidence usually reserved for white teenagers who would say “Do you know who my father is?” and not feel bad about it.
5. Ray LewisRay Lewis may play holier than thou on ESPN, but he had his run-ins with the law. Technically, he was only convicted of obstructing justice, but that didn’t stop everyone in the stadium during the Super Bowl from thinking, “Keep an eye on Ray” when the lights went out.
4. Nick Fairley
I don’t care what Nick Fairley did, how are you gonna put that face in jail? Plus you could ask anyone on the Lions, this guy wouldn’t hurt a fly, you can pay him millions of dollars and he still wouldn’t hit anybody.
3. Adrian Peterson
2. Shaun White
Shaun White may be an American hero, but that doesn’t make him the best citizen. Here in this picture he looks like a male stripper after a bachelorette party the groom decided to crash. The other possibility is that he’s planning on releasing a rap mixtape and he wanted badass cover art.
1. Desmond Bryant
I know we shouldn’t reward criminals, but if Desmond Bryant was blasted enough to take this mugshot and was able to turn the car on, he deserves a Nobel Prize along with that citation.