Did you say Draft? The Draft is coming up and we’re (rightfully) fucking stoked. Here are 13 reasons why every football fan should be more excited than LaVar Ball after hearing his own name on television. More excited than Andy Reid at an all-you-can-eat gourmet breakfast buffet. More excited than Roger Goodell when he sees his yearly paycheck. More excited than Pete Carroll is…well…pretty much all the time. More excited than this guy:
13. Degenerate Philly Fans
They’ll be on screen as much as the players who protested the anthem. They booed Santa Claus: how do you think they’re going to treat Goodell?
12. Louis Riddick
Great insights, a better smile. This man is a joy to listen to and a delight to watch. Listening to this man bemoan how your team just ruined the next 15 years is almost tolerable because he’s the one doing it.
11. The Gifs
At least one player will cry, giving us a gif for generations. There may not be any crying in baseball, but the NFL Draft makes the audience for Schindler’s List look dry as a bone. For now we have Gronk being the Gronkiest.
10. We Find Out Which Team Hates Their Female Fans the Most and Drafts Joe Mixon
The Matt Barnes of football made Ray Rice look like he was shadowboxing. The Giants let a kicker who tried punting his wife stay on the field. Will they draft a running back who gave a female bar patron a stiff-arm with a fist at the end of it?
9. The Suits
It’s like watching Pimp My Ride, but the ride is a 6’6’’ 300 pound offensive lineman.
8. You’re A Jets Fan And You’re A Sadist
The absence of hope is despair, and despair may be the next draft pick of the New York Jets. At least he has a good 3-cone shuffle time…
7. You’re Mel Kiper Jr.
This is all he has. If the Draft ended and hair gel stopped being produced, he would spontaneously combust.
6. You Got Locked Out Of Your Netflix Account
If you can’t watch a food documentary, you might as well watch hours of grown men talking about other grown men’s physical attributes. It’s the straight male version of America’s Next Top Model.
5. You Get To See Mitch Trubisky Begin to Fulfill His Destiny as a Future Browns QB Bust
The McCowns define mediocrity: Tim Couch, Brady Quinn, and Johnny Manziel are all far worse. Trubisky looks like he’ll be somewhere in between. He’s the yellow traffic light of football; it isn’t good, it isn’t bad. It’s like George Costanza in bed: a lot of noise without much umph.
4. Todd McShay Starting to Get Impatient
This friendly rivalry is more like two guys in a threesome than a best friendship. They both have the same goal, and they technically work together, but they both want the glory. McShay does a pretty damn good job of pretending he doesn’t hate Kiper’s guts, but I think we all know better, right?
3. You Get To See Which Defensive Star Will Have Their Talent Wasted In Jacksonville
Prospects are better off going to jail than Jacksonville. At least after prison you have a chance at redemption. Just ask Justin Blackmon.
2. Jim Harbaugh
The 49ers are grade A morons with an analyst for a GM. That’s like hiring a food critic as a chef and being upset when they burn the kitchen down and blame it on the appliances. We’re really pumped to see Jim Harbaugh send out a scathing tweet about the team who went looking for gold and struck mud. It will also be fun to watch him celebrating each of Michigan’s approximately 27 Draft picks with “an intensity unknown to mankind.”
1. You Want To See If This Is Finally The Year Bill Belichick Drafts Another Murderer
We aren’t saying they will, but let’s just say that if there is a murderer drafted next month, there is evidence to suggest that he will end up with the Patriots. There’s also evidence to suggest that Bill Belichick will decide to kiss him on the elbow for some reason, creating a creepy photo that will confound fans for the rest of time.