The Browns are the definition of sadness. They’re so sad they’re named after a color. Just a color. And not even a cool one: they’re named after the color of shit. All of this means that it must be pretty frigging shitty being a Browns fan. How exactly does it feel? What would you compare it to? Glad you asked…
No 4: Having To Take Your Cousin To The Prom
You have a hot date, but even if you sleep with her everyone is going to think you’re a weirdo. Or maybe even call the police on you. It’s like finishing 1-15.
No 3: Finding Several Pubic Hairs In Your Favorite Meal, But The Restaurant Won’t Give You A Refund
This makes too much sense. You’re sitting in a restaurant and your sweet sweet chicken parm is on the way. A beautiful date is across the way, but there’s a hair in the food. You say, “waiter, there is a hair in the food.” You want a refund. The waiter says, “no way, that’s your curly.”
You don’t understand how this could happen: it doesn’t make any sense. How would that even work? But you can’t argue, you have a date there, and don’t want to make a scene, so you just stomach the fact that the BROWNS TRADED FOR BROCK OSWEILER, THE STRAY PUBIC HAIR OF THE NFL.
No 2: Your Childhood Pet Dies
Except that it happens 16 Sundays a year, every year, for decades. Who knew that moving the team was a mercy killing? And then Browns fans turned around and said “more please.”
No 1: You Find Out Life Is A Simulation And All Of It Was Meaningless
Honestly, this is the best case scenario, because it would mean that even Patriots fans were wasting their time, instead of it just being you and everyone you love.