Uncategorized

4 Steps For Coping With Your Team's Inevitable Demise

If you’re a Golden State Warriors or Cleveland Cavaliers fan, WTF prompted you to click on this article? We’re here to have an intervention with the Rockets and Thunder fans who believe their stars can single-handedly lead them to the promised land, or the Pistons fans who think their ’80s porn star of a head coach might pull off a deadline trade that propels them to the top of the East.

It’s not gonna happen, people. Your season’s over, and you need to start preparing. Begin with these four simple steps:

4) Blame LeBron

First, he unethically recruits two of his BFFs to form a super team in Miami, then…well, the Ohio part isn’t as bad, but it’s obvious that your team would be infinitely better off if LeBron James didn’t exist. We made a LeBron voodoo seven years ago, and although it’s resulted in zero physical harm to The King, it’s proved quite therapeutic…

3) Spend Countless Hours Watching Tape on College Basketball Players, Begin Concocting Plan For Draft Day

1ho2xx

Perhaps the best way to cope as your team starts slipping in the standings involves spending several hours each day ignoring school or work to find the next Malcolm Brogdon. The 24-year-old UVA standout impressed us every time we saw him play in college, but scouts viewed him as too vanilla and he fell to the 36th overall pick, behind the likes of Taurean Prince and Wade Baldwin IV. We knew Malcolm Brogdon was good, dammit. But we couldn’t tell our respective GMs because every one of our writers has a restraining order issued by their favorite team, which we refer to as “hustle awards” at Lead HQ. Trust this: we have more steals for the 2017 NBA Draft than Winona Ryder in the ’90s…

2) Heroin (or Morphine)

about-heroin-2

Not recommended unless supervised by a medical professional, but either option will make all your bad feelings dissipate within seconds…

1) Start A Blog Lambasting Your Team’s Executives

Fans love shitting on their team’s execs, and rightfully so, but don’t rely on Twitter to get your rocks off: start a fucking blog, update it on a daily basis, have all your friends post it on their Facebook pages, and make that shit go viral. Look at smug-ass John Paxson up there looking like he knows shit. JOHN PAXSON DON’T KNOW SHIT! Scream it from the hilltops; start a fucking blog. All the cool kids are doing it…

To Top