Uncles are like dads you don’t have to put up with. Some uncles are great, and some uncles had a successful career as Penn State’s defensive coordinator and significantly less success in childcare. There are a lot of strange uncles out there, and a bunch of them coach NBA teams. Here are, in my humble opinion, the five NBA coaches who would make the creepiest uncles:
No 5: Quinn Snyder
Quinn is the uncle who spent a semester abroad and has never missed a day of reminiscing. You would not believe the women in France, the food, the food women let you eat off of them. He wears a beret to a few family gatherings and people think he’s worldly.
No 4: Tom Thibodeau
The uncle who cannot stop yelling. Politics, sports, tomato/tommaato. This guy will yell about anything and seems to end every sentence with “damn straight I’m right.”
Here he is after you tell him you agree with him:
No 3: Stan Van Gundy
Van Gundy is the uncle who lectures you about how life used to be, then proceeds to fart during his post-dinner nap at the table. He will make at least one strange racial comment that isn’t even tied to a stereotype. Example: “You know Nicaraguans can’t dance.”
Also, if he ever meets your girlfriend, he’ll make a strange motion with his fist that he thinks has to do with sex but really proves that he’s a virgin.
No 2: Jeff Hornacek
The one whose wife does all the talking. You say hey uncle Jeff, but Aunt Phil Jackson appears over his shoulder to make sure he doesn’t say anything out of line like, “draft picks are valuable,” and “Joakim Noah has less trade value than a 1989 Honda Civic with three tires and no windshield.”
No 1: Brad Stevens
Why do you have a bug collection Uncle Brad, you’re 40. Jesus, your bachelor party was at the natural history museum. Stop trying to do magic tricks with my brother, you’re one weird thing away from a felony.