Baseball

5 Reasons I’m Not Ready to Play Softball

A softball in my hand feels…gross. It’s so big and plastic with no seams to grip or leather to caress. It’s been nine years since my unimportant baseball career ended without any sort of climax, and still I can’t pass a softball game without rolling my eyes and muttering “amateurs” under my breath. Here are the five reasons I’m not ready to play softball yet — a list that any former baseball player will understand…




5. I’m Only 31, And You Never Know

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Are the chances good that a dude in his early 30s who hasn’t picked up a bat in almost a year, had three major surgeries, and wasn’t that good to begin with, could revitalize his career? Probably not, but…




4. Performance-Enhancing Drugs

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A wise man once told me, “Never say never until you’ve tried clenbuterol.” As a person who spends 60+ hours a week sitting at a desk typing words into a computer, I think I’m ready to inject steroids into my body and give baseball one last shot…




3. I Struck Out Casey Affleck In An Adult League Last Summer

How’s that for a name drop? Winning the Oscar for Best Actor? Real cool, bro. I made you look like an idiot on a 2-2 slider.

We played Affleck’s team in a Beverly Hills Summer Adult League — he wasn’t terrible, but despite all my athletic (and personal) shortcomings, I can still break off a nasty slide piece. Needless to say, I was sore for the next two weeks after throwing six innings and consumed about 25,000 milligrams of ibuprofen over that period of time…




2. If I Get Hurt Playing Softball, I’m Done With Sports For Good

I’ve injured my shoulder playing baseball, my knee playing football (intramural flag football, to be exact), and my Achilles playing basketball. The unwritten rules of sports dictate that if I pull a hamstring playing softball, I’m done with sports for good. Just golf. Nothing that involves running ever again. If I’m going down, I’m not going down playing softball…




1. Softball Players Aren’t Baseball Players 

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I’ve made my decision: I’m never fucking playing softball. Unless my writing career takes off and I’m in a celebrity game with obese amateurs like Chris Christie. I just can’t bring myself to step onto a field with no grass in the infield and balls the size of grapefruits.

Share this article if you the feel the same way…

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