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5 Reasons Why Oregon’s Football Coach is Actually Just Phil Knight's Sugar Baby

Everyone knows Phil Knight (the founder of Nike and famed Oregon booster) runs shit around Eugene, Oregon. Dude is the uber-booster. Mark Helfrich couldn’t keep Phil happy, so they booted him and hired Willie Taggart from famed football power South Florida (although Chip Kelly came from the University of New Hampshire, so you never know).

No 5: You Don’t Work for Him, But He Certainly Pays Your Bills

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Look at the facilities. Is Phil Knight your boss? Of course not, that would be inappropriate, but never question who butters your bread. Answer: Big Papa Phil. And when he gives you that look, make sure to “just do it.”

No 4: He Makes Sure You’re Looking Nice

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Look at all the fancy jerseys the Ducks have.

No 3: He Buys You a Hot Tub

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He just wants to be your knight in shining armor and make you feel real good. Real, real good.

No 2: He Lets You Know He’s Pissy by Hanging With Other Babies

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Oh you can’t get bowl eligible Mark? That’s okay, I’ll just visit Ohio State and see if Urban Meyer wants a dip in my hot tub.

No 1: You’re Out on the Street and He’s Macking a New (and Probably Better) Coach

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Mark Helfrich, Big Papa didn’t ask much from you, but you couldn’t get it done. Now he’s gotta find a new baby to help him win the natty. It will be hard for Mark Helfrich to watch a cute young gun like Willie Taggart using his hot tub and stroking his daddy’s ‘stache. But don’t play the game if you can’t handle the pain.

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