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5 Reasons Why the Panthers Got Declawed

If you’re like us, you’re wondering what the heck happened to the Panthers this year. Let’s take a look at the moves that currently have them trapped in a dumpster fire…

No 5: Poor Drafting

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We know that it’s important to spay and neuter your cats, but the management and coaching staff behind the Carolina Panthers seem to have taken that advice to heart. The team has been seriously lacking on both sides of the ball and GM David Gettleman appears to have adopted an “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” philosophy without realizing his team was broken AF. The Panthers picked a gaggle of cornerbacks during the draft in the hopes of finding a replacement for Josh Norman. However, they failed to do anything to reinforce their offensive line. The end result has been watching a snuff film every Sunday as Cam Newton slowly gets mashed into a pulp…

The Panthers were initially a good bet for a return to the Super Bowl at the start of the season, but good odds don’t necessarily make it so. It just goes to show that betting odds aren’t actually a reflection of the likelihood of something happening; they’re just a reflection of where people are putting their money. If you need more evidence of this, just remember that Carolina were the favorites to win the Super Bowl last year…

No 4: What Secondary?

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The loss of Josh Norman was the big headline that overshadows the two other major departures that left the once-vaunted Carolina defense in shambles. In addition to stubbornly refusing to pay Norman, the team let strong safety Roman Harper walk to the Saints. It’s one thing to drop an aging player. But to let them go to a division rival with no clear backup plan in mind besides “draft a bunch of corners and hope one works”? That’s just brainless. On top of it all, veteran cornerback Charles “Peanut” Tillman retired. A blow that nobody seemed to talk about. Three star members of the secondary were depart and get replaced with a bunch of rookies who weren’t anywhere near ready for prime time…

No 3: What Offensive Line?

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Problems with the offensive line were glaringly apparent during the Super Bowl, because there was more happening than a historically great Denver defense running wild. Michael Oher might have a movie based on his story, but he should stick to acting and/or motivational speaking because he can’t protect Newton’s blindside for beans. The guy gets put on skates nearly every single game. One of these days, Cam is just going to stay down after he gets lit up again because Oher let his assignment through. Keep in mind, the Panthers let a Pro Bowl cornerback walk to Washington while they gave this dude a three-year contract extension. It’s enough to make you wish Sandra Bullock had never adopted him…

No 2: Cam Newton’s Brain Is Mush

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There’s no question that Cam is still one of the most electrifying athletes in the NFL, but the punishment he receives nearly every week is definitely starting to take its toll. With the O-line in shambles, watching a Panthers game is like watching a car crash YouTube video on repeat. Not a cool car crash, either—it’s one of those crashes you drive by and then whisper a small prayer that everyone’s okay. The worst part is that Newton’s still not getting the flags, even after the NFL promised that it’s cracking down on these hits. Just look at those hats he’s wearing! Do those look like the sartorial choices of someone who has not suffered a traumatic brain injury?

No 1: They’re the Carolina Panthers

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Longtime fans of the Panthers who didn’t dab onto last year’s bandwagon knew this day was coming. They stayed optimistic and told themselves this was the dawn of a new era in Charlotte but deep down, memories of 2004 haunted every waking moment. The Panthers live to disappoint and this year’s 1-5 start shouldn’t come as a surprise to those with good memories. Funny enough, the last team to have a 1-5 start after going to the Super Bowl was—wait for it—the 2004 Carolina Panthers. The biggest difference? The 2004 squad had the luxury of being able to blame the slow start on injuries…

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