Thanksgiving is one of the best holidays of the year. The day consists of little besides eating, drinking and watching football –– plus, you don’t have to buy any gifts. But this sacred day can be ruined with some bad dinner guests. Though the in-laws usually take care of that, the sports world offers plenty of people who would be pains to host Thursday.
In no specific order, some of the worst traits for any Thanksgiving guests are: pickiness, arrogance and messiness. The five nominees below have all of those covered –– and then some:
No 5: Jim Nantz: It might be a surprise to see Nantz’s name on this list, considering his congenial on-camera personality. But make no mistake: he’s the ultimate hardo.
In an essay for Golf Digest that ran earlier this year, Nantz writes at length about his love for breakfast. That anecdote alone should tell you how self-indulgent the piece was, but it gets worse from there. Nantz says he’s very particular about how he likes his toast. He wants it burnt beyond recognition, and after years of enduring the horror of eating regular toast, he decided to take matters into his own hands. Now, when Nantz goes out to breakfast, he brings a picture of burnt toast along with him:
“I’m a breakfast guy: three eggs scrambled, with bacon and wheat toast, burnt,” he writes. “The problem is, it never came back burnt. For years it would arrive limp and tan, which brought breakfast to a standstill when I sent the toast back. It was costing me 10 minutes a day, which, multiplied by six days a week, is four hours a month. That’s 48 hours—two full days—per year. My friends, time is currency. My wife, Courtney, got tired of hearing me complain about it. She found a photograph on the Internet of a kitchen toaster ejecting two slices of burnt toast. She minimized it, printed it out and had it laminated. She insisted I put it in my wallet. When I order, I present the photo to my server. I get some strange looks, but I can assure you, the toast now arrives black and scary, just the way I like it.”
If the CBS broadcaster is this picky about his toast, imagine his requests when it comes turkey and, you know, real food. Cooking for Nantz would be almost as torturous as calling a football game with Phil Simms. Save your invite.
No 4: Dez Bryant: If the star Dallas Cowboys wideout comes to your house on Thanksgiving, be prepared for a mess –– and not just your standard food-on-the-floor mess, either. Like, think feces spread all over the walls. Apparently, that’s the kind of fun that went down at Bryant’s rental mansion in Dallas. The owner of the home, his former attorney Royce Ring, sued Bryant $60,000 in June for the damage he caused. The gory details are below, via the Dallas Observer:
“West, the property’s owner, claims that Bryant violated his lease by leaving the 6,400-square foot home he rented from the state senator “littered with trash and feces, missing blinds and shutters, with cracked windows and blackened carpeting,” when he moved out in January.”
Gross. If Bryant comes over, be prepared to fumigate the premises.
No 3: Skip Bayless: The hot sports take master might be the most humorless person on the face of the earth. He’s also perhaps the most insular, considering he doesn’t know who Speaker of the House Paul Ryan is.
Bayless fills in two of the criterium for being a bad Thanksgiving guest: pickiness and arrogance. He’s an obsessively healthy eater who eats plain chicken and broccoli every night of the week. Bayless also drinks a protein shake before each show, because he “burns so many calories” debating topics such as whether Tony Romo has a future in Dallas.
This is where Baylesss’ nuttiness really comes into play. In a recent interview with Recode, the host of First Take No. 2 on FS1 says he sweats through his shirt during every taping because his sports arguments are so intense.
“I’m competing with Shannon,” he said. “I work out hard because you need to be in really good shape to do this for two and a half hours. That’s a big component in this, to stay fresh and to endure. Right now, I just finished a show and, not to gross you out, get too graphic, but I got a t-shirt on underneath and it’s soaking wet because I am so focused, I’m fighting so hard.”
Instead of looking for a place to celebrate Thanksgiving, Bayless should probably look into finding a mental institution. That would appear to be a more productive use of time.
No 2: Tom Brady: Having Brady at your Thanksgiving would be awesome, until he asks you to make sweet potato gnocchi casserole instead of stuffing and avocado ice cream in-lieu of apple pie.
Brady’s diet is so strict, that it’s doubtful he even partakes in Thanksgiving, anyway. In a 2014 interview with Sports Illustrated, the four-time Super Bowl champion said he eats different foods in the summer and winter in order to “maintain balance and harmony” through his metabolic system –– whatever that means.
It’s obvious Brady’s regimen works for him. He’s playing maybe the best football of his career at 39 years old, even improving his 40-yard dash time from when he first entered the league. If not eating tomatoes, eggplants, mushrooms, or peppers allows him to do that, so be it. But unless his personal chef comes along, hosting TB12 for Thanksgiving wouldn’t be worth the trouble. And that’s saying something, since he’s Tom Brady and all.
No 1: Curt Schilling: The Breitbart Radio host is a racist-uncle meme come to life. It would only be a matter of time before Schilling hijacks your dinner conversation and starts screaming about how the “men’s room was designed for the penis” or how Hillary Clinton belongs “buried under a jail somewhere.”
While entertaining in the occasional 200-word news hit, putting up with those screeds for an entire day would be exhausting. But in Schilling’s defense, he would probably be very complimentary of your children. He said on Fox Business last month he thinks some of his daughter’s friends are “beautiful young ladies.”