5 Ways College Football Coaches Act Like Absentee Fathers

The bond between the coach and a team is like a father and a son. The coach has to raise them up and make them better men, but only until something younger/hotter/richer comes along (looking at you, Sonny Dykes).

No 5: They Come Into Your Home And Try To Convince You That They Care

Recruiting is the closest to flirting with another man people in the Bible Belt will ever come. There are real emotional bonds developed there.

No 4: They Tell Everyone (Except For You) How Proud They Are Of You

Discipline is key here. You show you love ’em but you’ll also let them know when they need to do better.

No 3: They’re Always Denying That They’re Looking Elsewhere

Coaches can pretend like they care, but they’re always looking for the next best thing. Just like a dad trading in his wife and kids and upgrading to a family he likes more.

No 2: They Hold You To The Highest Standard Of Excellence, But Then Go Do Whatever They Want


Coaches want you to commit to the program and commit to being the type of man who sets an example of what men should be. That is, right until they fuck up, in which case they ask for forgiveness and paid leave.

No 1: When A Better Situation Comes Up, They Tell You “I Love You, But I Have to Do What’s Best For Me”


Players have to sit out a year if they change their mind, or miss their family, or just feel uncomfortable. Coaches get a raise. NOT COOL DAD, DON’T EVEN BOTHER COMING TO MY BIRTHDAY.

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