The Patriots are in the Super Bowl about as often as JR Smith gets a tattoo. The only explanation is some kind of dark magic. How does Belichick pull it off? Let’s take a look:
No 6: He And Tom Brady Will Bathe For 6 Hours In The Same Tub Hoping To Become As Close To A Singular Being As Possible
This is where spies are gated and gates deflated. It is important for these two to become one. Otherwise, the Falcons may rise and cause the downfall of the underworld as we know it.
No 5: Bill Takes The Blood Of A Goat And Smears It On A Playbook While Muttering “Flea Flicker”
This is important; if this isn’t done, there’s no way for Bill’s partner in crime – Satan – to approve the playbook.
No 4: Bill Will Shrink Himself Then Go Live In Matt Patricia’s Beard For A Day To Experience Genuine Fear
Patricia’s beard is a dark and moist place. It feels like the pressure cooker of a tight fourth quarter, and that allows Bill to simulate his game plan.
No 3: He Will Call Matt Ryan’s Mother And Say “I’m Sorry For Your Loss” Then Hang Up. The Whole Family Will Be Shaken Up. Then He Will Defeat Him.
This is key. Matty Ice feeds off the warmth of his family. If they’re too busy checking in on him to take care of themselves, Matty can’t maintain prime body temperature.
No 2: He Will Pee On A Picture Of Roger Goodell
This is just for fun.
No 1: He Will Go Up To A Mountaintop And Capture, Cook, And Eat A Falcon. This Will Let Belichick Know That He Is The Enemy, And The Enemy Is Him. He Must Defeat Himself Before Defeating Anyone Else.
There is a sacrifice for every gain: that Falcon and Belichick’s digestive health are the sacrifice for this SUPER gain.