Kelly Olynyk: college graduate, dedicated and vigorous worker, and a face only a mother could love. Even without the bristly chin fringe and hairdo that we can only assume serves as a home for a flock or two of baby birds, Olynyk’s aesthetic profile leaves something to be desired.
The following are just a few of the figures from the fantasy genre who would outstrip Kelly on the Tinder right-swipe count…but who’s counting, anyway?
No 6: Avatar
If you’re already going for the translucently pale, Methemoglobinemia look, why not take it all the way and go full-on Na’Vi warrior? You get your hair braided, the tribal jewelry rocks, and those weird pterodactyl things would be a great way to beat the traffic heading to the TD Garden on a busy night.
No 5: Jar Jar Binks
Everyone thinks the Ewoks are so cute, but even Star Wars’ reptilian provider of comic relief is easier on the eyes than the Celtics big man.
No 4: Dobby the House-Elf
The ex-Malfoy family servant (sorry if that’s a spoiler, but seriously, read the books already) wouldn’t do much on the basketball court unless the NBA formally okayed levitation. But his positive attitude, mismatched socks, and big tennis-ball eyes make him precisely nine and three-quarter times cuter than Kelly.
No 3: Treebeard
Tolkien’s most notable Ent would be a hell of an addition to the Celts defense, swatting away shots like a cat who’s too lazy to chase the mice infesting your apartment (thanks a lot, you good for nothing fur dispenser). More importantly, the oldest creature in Middle Earth has a dignified, stately look about him that the Big K.O. could only dream of achieving.
No 2: Mr. Tumnus
Although not the most flattering costume of James McAvoy’s acting career, Tumnus still carries the unkempt goatee far better than Olynyk.
No 1: The White Walkers
Again, pulling off the paler-than-death look isn’t easy, but another example of doing it right resides in the Land of Always Winter (not too far from New England, if you think about it), and with those scary ice swords and blue eyes deeper than Boston Harbor, would intimidate adversaries like Kelly never could.