Alex Rodriguez is starting a reality show in which he advises cash-strapped former athletes, meaning we can now safely assume that if A-Rod had been at the Fed instead of with the Yankees in ’07, the Yankees would have won more and we wouldn’t have had a global recession. I conducted an undercover investigation and found six of A-Rod’s golden money tips straight from his mouth:
No 6: If Someone Asks You To Sell Your Soul, Add 15% To Asking Price And Then Make The Deal
There may come a time when the devil – or George Steinbrenner – asks you to sell your soul. My first advice is don’t. At least not at sticker price. But if you can jack it up, you gotta make that deal.
No 5: Don’t Get Married; Hookers Are Cheaper in the Long Run
Weddings are expensive, and so are divorces. In the meantime, pick up groupies and supplement with call girls. An added bonus: sometimes call girls have dicks.
No 4: Don’t Ever Ever Do Steroids Ever…Wink
Steroids are so BAD. They DO NOT extend your career. I regret the five seasons and 100 home runs they added to mine. You know this because I cried in public.
No 3: Kids Are Neither Here Nor There. You Have To Spend Money on Them, But They Also Might Net You A Few Advertising Deals
I have two, I think. They are money gobblers, but playing the dad works both in bars and on the advertising circuit.
No 2: Get Fired
Right now I get paid $27.5 million not to play baseball, which any Yankee fan would tell you is the steal of a century.
No 1: Sex Tapes: I Didn’t, You Should
I cry when climaxing, so it wouldn’t have been good for the brand, but if you’ve got it, flaunt it.