Combines are a spectacle for sports junkies like us. But why should we have all the fun? What if every single profession had its own combine, with scouts from potential employers watching from the crowd? Bloomberg and CNBC could broadcast the Wall Street combine live, while hiring managers across Manhattan and Connecticut watch breathlessly. You get the point. Here are six professions that need a combine and the events involved that would captivate anyone and everyone.
No 6: Domino’s, Pizza Hut, Papa John’s, etc.
The only thing more compelling than the NFL Draft would be pizza chains drafting the nation’s best amateur talent, in search for that coveted three tool employee…
Event 1 – Box Making: Prospects would be tested on how many pizza boxes they can assemble in a given amount of time. This, of course, would be held in a local pizzeria where you can sit there marveling over a towering stack of boxes while enjoying a tasty slice of pie.
Event 2 – Pizza Making: Prospects would be tested on how efficiently they can make certain pizzas under pressure. Everything from pepperoni to mushroom to deep dish, all on a moment’s notice.
Event 3 – Delivery: Prospects would be tested on how well they can deliver the pizza they’ve just made to a particular location. The result would be a function of time and how much cheese falls off the pizza. Cold pizza would result in the Reuben Foster treatment.
No 5: Mall Cop
The Mall Cop combine would only be made up of drills involving Segways.
Event 1 – 40-Yard Dash: Prospects would be tested on their Segway speed over 40 yards. Wait, wouldn’t they all be the same times since they’re riding the same machine? Nope. Use your head, people. Balance, start, and the ability to keep the frigging thing straight are all factors in how quickly you can catch those unruly middle schoolers.
Event 2 – 3-Cone Drill: Prospects would be tested on their Segway agility. Those unruly middle schoolers won’t be making their getaway in a straight line. Change of direction is of utmost importance.
Event 3 – Parkour: Prospects would be judged on how well they can handle non-conventional terrain. That unruly middle schooler who just shoplifted from Hot Topic will take the stairs, elevator, or even hop over railings to freedom. Mall Cops would need to show off how well they’d improvise on their Segway in such situations.
No 4: Wall Street Analyst
All prospective financiers would be put through these combine drills to curb the possibility of new hires blowing up the economy. The live broadcast on Bloomberg and CNBC would only add to the pressure.
Event 1 – Right-Click, Copy, and Paste: Instead of the 40-yard dash or the three-cone drill, prospects would be tested on how quickly they can right-click, copy, and paste information. Most importantly, they would be tested on how well they can pass off that copied and pasted info as their own.
Event 2 – Asking People Out For Drinks: Prospects would be tested on how many different ways they can ask a client out for drinks in a given time period: “Let’s meet for drinks”, “Let’s discuss over a beer”, “We should go try the new Manhattan at Dorsia”.
Event 3 – Pulse Test: Prospects would be hooked up to an Oximeter to see if they have a pulse. This would most likely be Pass/Fail.
No 3: Uber Driver
Let’s be honest, more people would tune in to watch an Uber driver combine than the Daytona 500.
Event 1 – Music – Prospects would be asked if they have an AUX cord.
Event 2 – Playing Tunes – Prospects would be asked if they have an AUX cord.
Event 3 – Getting Turnt Before The Bar – Prospects would be asked if they have an AUX cord.
No 2: Server
A server combine would be more entertaining than the shows they audition for.
Event 1 – Tell us about some of the specials tonight… : Prospects will be given an extensive list of specials involving both mundane and exotic items. They would be asked to recite the specials and be judged on accuracy, pacing, and the ability to smile without really meaning it.
Event 2 – Carrying Food: Prospects would be given random assortments of food to carry across a crowded space and place accurately on a table.
Event 3 – Shit Talking: Prospects would be verbally abused to simulate unhappy customers. They would be judged on how well and for how long they could take the shit talking.
No 1: DJ
All prospects would be forbidden to play Avicii’s “Levels,” ’cause that’s just cheating.
Event 1 – Fist Pump Press: Like the bench press at the NFL combine, prospects will be given a 30-lb. dumbbell and tested to see how many pumps they can do.
Event 2 – Good Vibes: Prospects would be asked to play a setlist to a random group of people. Judges would decide how well these people are vibing to the song choices.
Event 3 – Message: Prospects will shout to the same panel of judges, to see how well they can convince them that their music, love, and (definitely not) mollie is all we need for peace and prosperity…