Finding the right coach is hard. For every Marvin Lewis, there are seven Mike McCoys/Rex Ryans/whoever the fuck the Browns hired four coaches ago. But sometimes you need to hire a good human and not just a good coach, and that’s Coach Eric Taylor. Is he real? No. Did he have a real effect on my life? You bet your ass. Is there anyone I would rather have coaching my team? Not unless Jesus H. Christ runs a pro style spread. Here are six reasons why:
No 6: Catchphrases: People Think You Need Strategy and Guts, but All Of That Can Be Replaced With Catchphrases
Rex Ryan’s was, “can I rub yo feet?”
No 5: He’s Got A Southern Drawl That Whispers To The Lombardi Trophy
Bill Belichick speaks in parseltongue, which also gets the Lombardi’s juices flowing, but Landry, Johnson, and good ol’ Coach Taylor’s drawl are what gets the trophy’s panties on the floor.
No 4: He Ain’t No Bitch, But He’ll Hug You While You Cry
Coach Taylor is a man’s man, but he knows how to hug and he knows how to console. Smash Parker cried more than the women in a soap opera, but Coach was there to buck him up. Sometimes you need that.
I cry, who’s gonna hug me? Maybe I need Coach Taylor as my own personal life coach…
No 3: The Mommas Deserve Something Sweet To Look At
If you want to make football universal, then momma needs some eye candy.
No 2: He Somehow Makes Having Your Sunglasses On A String Boss As Fuck
I mean, this is the biggest dork thing to do, so riddle me this: Why am I hard? Am I just attracted to practicality? Send responses to: firstname.lastname@example.org
No 1: He Doesn’t Love It When Players Fuck His Daughter, But He Doesn’t Lose His Shit
This is important. The coach’s daughter is usually off-limits, but not for coach Taylor. You put it all out on the field and anyone willing to put out for you is fair game.