We’ve all had this experience before: after months of hype we’re finally watching the Super Bowl. Maybe the game is good, and when halftime hits we’re excited about the second half and feeling positive about America in general. Then the halftime show comes on, and we’re subjected to watching Coldplay, Milli Vanilli, or some American Idol alumnus do their damnedest to entertain 100 million people. What’s sad about this is that with the Super Bowl there’s enough money floating around to do something really different with a halftime show. Below are a few of our suggestions.
No 6: A Monster Truck Rally
Yes, the snooty celebs in attendance would probably sneer when the stadium workers rolled out a second layer of turf, mountains of sand, and rows and rows of used cars for Bigfoot and Grave Digger to jump over, but the rest of America would be glued to their televisions. Do we really believe that America would rather watch Lady Gaga than this?
No 5: Real Celebrity Jeopardy
Speaking of celebrities, why not pull some of them out from their skybox suites to help entertain America? The Land of the Free needs laughter, especially these days. It couldn’t hurt for Idris Elba and Zachary Quinto to come down and answer some trivia questions. Really, this doesn’t even have to be Jeopardy. Any game show, or anything to leverage celebs from the audience would be a hit.
No 4: Call of Duty
E-Sports are really hot right now. This would only be acknowledging that there’s a new kid on the block, but it would be doing that in the very best way. Call of Duty probably has the most crossover fans with football of any videogame. It’s exciting. It’s violent. It’s patriotic. It’s perfect.
No 3: A One-Act Play
If we’re feeling optimistic, we could pivot to the opposite end of the culture spectrum and get some high art in the mix. Some Edward Albee, some Sam Beckett, some Tennesse Williams, that kind of thing. And if everyone changed channels to the Puppy Bowl during the NFL’s production of Krapp’s Last Tape, at least we could say we tried.
No 2: Stand-Up Comedy
This might actually be the most sadistic option of the bunch, because it’s almost impossible for a comedian to win over a crowd of people who came for a different event. The appeal of this would be to watch a talented performer take on a nation of hecklers.
No 1: Professional Wrestling
Just think of the possibilities…Goodell playing himself, a la Vince McMahon, in a match against Brady and Belichick…a players vs. wives/significant others tag team tournament…a backup QB Royal Rumble…the storytelling potential is limitless. This would be a good way for the NFL to get some mileage out of its troubled image in the way of meta-commentary.
What do you think? Was there something even better that we forgot to include? Let us know firstname.lastname@example.org