Life isn’t fair, which is why the Sports Gods have bestowed so many professional sports franchises upon cities that don’t deserve them. And even worse, there are a bunch of places that actually deserve sports teams that don’t get to have them. Here’s a short list of wrongs that the Sports Gods should right (if they’re listening):
No 6: All the Florida Teams Should Go To St. Petersburg
The Dolphins, the Bucs, the Marlins, the D-Rays, all of them. “Tampa Bay” is not really a city, first of all, and second of all, the D-Rays are actually located in St. Petersburg. And Miami is too nice of a place to have pro sports teams, anyway. Sports teams are for gritty industrial centers where there’s nothing to do, like Detroit, Youngstown, and Green Bay. Beaches filled with beautiful people and professional sports teams simply do not mix. Case in point: the Marlins and the Dolphins have some of the lowest attendance rates in their respective leagues.
And what’s more, when former Dolphins offensive lineman Richie Incognito’s texts went public, it became clear that the Dolphins were partying in St. Petersburg almost every weekend. Why fight it? Even the players want it.
No 5: The Steelers Should Go to Gary, IA
Pittsburgh is no longer a steel town. It’s really turned things around and is now a genuinely nice place. Gary, on the other hand, is still in the metal biz and still in desperate need of something to believe in. The Steelers could be that thing.
No 4: The Jets and the Giants Should Go To New Jersey
We may as well call a spade a spade on this one.
The Reds and the Bengals have some of the deepest roots in America, but it’s time to chop off those roots and move those teams to more deserving Columbus. Maybe it’s because the chili’s so good there, but for whatever reason, Cincians have stopped supporting their teams like they used to. Columbus, meanwhile, is fiending over the Blue Jackets and hungry for more teams.
No 2: The Raiders Should Move to Oklahoma City
No one knows exactly why Raiders owner Al Davis chose Las Vegas as the destination for the Raiders. When it became obvious he would have to move and let the Warriors become Oakland’s number one team, Davis considered several cities as a destination, many of which rival or exceed Las Vegas in both population and in sports fandom. OKC was probably the most deserving of the bunch. Oklahoma is perfect for an NFL team; Terrence Malick once made a movie about how boring it is. Of course, it could be that OKC wasn’t so hot on acquiring the Raiders, in which case we can’t really blame them.
No 1: The Yankees Should Also Go To Jersey
Or Connecticut. Or LA, maybe. They should go somewhere that isn’t New York, because the Yankees’ fanbase apparently consists solely of people who live outside of the city. And besides, Yankees fans are used to commuting, and thus wouldn’t mind taking the train to a stadium in Westfield or Hoboken or Hackensack instead of the Bronx. The New Jersey Yankees…why not? It’s got a decent ring to it, and “pinstripes” almost rhymes with “turnpike.” BTW, New Jersey was one of the original Thirteen Colonies, if you didn’t know.