Warning: being a Detroit Lions fan may be hazardous for your health. Try to avoid sustained periods of rooting, and make sure to follow at least one other team (you’ve got the Tigers, the Red Wings, and Michigan and Michigan State football if you can’t handle another NFL team), to remember that winning is possible.
No 7: Every Time You Meet Someone Named Barry You Yell “Don’t Go” At Them
You think you’re over it and then the supermarket cashier’s name tag makes you start to tear up.
No 6: You Tell People You’re Allergic To Cheese, But You Really Just Can’t Stomach It
Aaron Rodgers comes along immediately after 14 years of Brett Favre: are you fucking kidding me? Then, as an added bonus, Favre goes ahead and makes the playoffs with the Vikings. #NeverEndingNightmare
No 5: You Call Your Cousin Who’s a Browns Fan, But it Doesn’t Make You Feel Any Better
You would think there isn’t anything Browns fans have to brag about, but then they go and remind you of that year the Lions went 0-16 (that you don’t remember because that season you developed a habit of drinking a bottle of mouthwash every Sunday.)
No 4: You Yell “Do Something” at the Baby Lions Every Time You go to the Zoo
They’re supposed to be ferocious, but they all just kind of sit there. Kind of like the Lions’ defense on Sundays.
No 3: You Will Try Anything to Escape the Pain of Sundays
I even tried watching the local news, but in Detroit that’s almost as devastating as watching the Lions.
No 2: You Find Yourself Saying “I’d Even be Okay Losing the Super Bowl; I Just Want a Reason to Watch Other Than Hoping For a Nip Slip”
The Super Bowl is fun and all, but I’m dying for a reason to want the halftime show to end.
No 1: You Tell Your Kids That Your Family Lineage is From Boston as Recently as the 1700’s, so it’s Okay for Them to be Patriots Fans
The price of an ancestry.com membership is obscene, but totally worth it. I don’t care that my great-grandmother was a daughter of the revolution as much as I care about my son being able to wear a Gronk jersey without being a bandwagon fan.