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7 Tell-Tale Signs That Skip Bayless Is Actually Satan

Many people believe that Skip Bayless sold his soul to the devil to play devil’s advocate, but they’re mistaken. Skip Bayless is Lucifer. Sixty-four years ago Satan slithered up through miles of the earth’s burning hot mantle to impregnate a woman in Oklahoma. That woman, according to our sources, was Bayless’ mother.

Since graduating Vanderbilt in 1974, Skip’s written columns at The Miami Herald, Los Angeles Times, Dallas Morning News, and the Chicago Tribune, amongst others. “Skip was not well-liked,” according to Dave Smith, Bayless’ former editor at the Morning News. “He had an ego like nobody else in the world, and he was very reclusive.”

In the late ’80s, Skip started appearing on television, the perfect medium for an attention-starved ego-maniac. He was a regular on several shows, including ESPN’s The Sports Reporters, but took his game to another level under Jim Rome in the early 2000s. As a regular on Fox Sports Net’s The Last Word, Skip replaced his native English for blasphemy — a language he has mastered with incredible fluency. Over the past decade, he’s peaked thanks to America’s never-ending love for idiots. If you don’t believe he’s Satan, consider these seven facts…

No. 7: His Brother Hates Him

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Skip’s brother Rick (a world-renowned chef) won’t speak to his big bro. Why, you ask? Because his brother is solely responsible for everything evil in the world…

No. 6: Skip Lied About His High School Basketball Prowess

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If there’s one thing American sports fans should hold sacred, it’s the tradition of only slightly embellishing the highlights of your glory days. Skip Bayless? After he posted the above Tweets in 2012, a blog out of Oklahoma City called The Lost Ogle did some digging and found out a) Skip Bayless played Junior Varisty as a high junior (#loser) and b) Skip averaged 1.4 points per game his senior year on varsity…

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Really impressive, Pistol. Bet Raunborg, Waugh, and the rest of the team loved hearing about your accolades. The best part of Skip’s fabrication was Jalen Rose ripping him a new a-hole on live television

No. 5: Tim Tebow

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What better way to mask your true identity as the anti-Christ than to snuggle up to football’s Jesus? Skip’s (and ESPN’s) bizarre need to supply Tim Tebow with endless verbal fellatio is well documented, but Bayless’ motive is obvious: he’s attempting to convince Americans that he’s a god-fearing man in order to steal their collective soul…

No. 4: He’s Only Been Drunk Once 

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We’re fine with sobriety, but the fact Bayless doesn’t consume alcohol and thinks he’s really fucking cool for it pisses off mightily…

No. 3 He Eats The Same Thing Every Day

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What’s the best part about being a human? Eating whatever the fuck you want whenever you want. Obesity? Diabetes? They’ll slow you down, but they’re not going to kill you. Not with modern medicine. Food tastes delicious, and thus we should all indulge on occasion. Skip Bayless eats the same sandwich every day for lunch, and the same meal (broccoli and chicken) for dinner. Thus, he is clearly Satan…

No. 2: Troy Aikman

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Is Troy Aikaman gay? Maybe. Again, who cares? If Troy’s throwing a quick one to his tight end in the hotel room after the game, that’s between him and Jay Novacek. But for Skip Bayless to write in his book that Aikman’s gay is incredibly unfair to everyone involved. If Troy’s gay, great. Don’t out him in your crappy book. If he’s not gay, then you just confused everyone, most notably his two daughters…

No. 1 LeBron James

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Only the devil would make a living off crucifying The Chosen One, and that’s exactly what Skip Bayless has done since LeBron James burst onto the scene. The ultimate LeBron troll, Bayless doesn’t receive nearly enough flak for building his own meaningless career off James’ prodigious talent. He gets paid to play devil’s advocate, and chooses not to eat deviled eggs, but his crucifixion of LeBron is Skip Bayless at his most deplorable. May the Botox drip down your face like candle wax in hell, Skip Bayless. You enormous bag of douche…

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