9 Things Usain Bolt Wouldn’t Want To Be The Fastest In

Usain Bolt is the fastest man on the planet. Typically, this is a good thing. But according to Aesop’s fable The Tortoise and the Hare, it’s not always behooving to be the fastest. So we asked ourselves, “when would Usain Bolt not want to be the fastest?” We came up with nine things:

9. Getting His Food

Usain’s out to dinner with friends and the waiter takes everyone’s order. Five minutes later, they come back with his entrée and no one else’s. He looks down at the food, then looks up at the table, and everyone begins encouraging him to eat and that “it’s fine”. Usain doesn’t because he’s not an asshole, so he waits for everyone else’s dinner to arrive. Now he just sits there, staring at a delicious chicken parm, starving and tortured, because he was the fastest to get his food.

8. Graduating College


Usain cruised through high school. Now, all he wants to do is get into the real world and live the rest of his life, so he gets his Bachelor’s in under three years. He’s so excited, until about a month after graduation he sees Snaps of his boys still in college partying, staying up late, and getting into a whole bunch of nonsense. He’s miserable, filling out hundreds of TPS reports, with the highlight of his day being walking outside for lunch, all because he was the fastest to graduate college.

7. Getting His License


Usain just finished driver’s ed. Because he’s proactive and can’t wait to drive, he books the soonest road test and crushes it. The only person more excited than Usain to have his license is every single one of his friends. Now it’s Friday night, and instead of drinking Red Stripe with the boys, he’s chauffeuring everyone around. At the party he can’t drink because he’s driving and he’s responsible. The party ends and all Usain wants to do is go home. Instead, he’s en route to McDonald’s because his friends are craving Chicken Selects. He wakes up the next day and just wants to take it easy, but his boys are dying to hit the mall, so he gets roped in to driving them there as well, all because he was the fastest to get his license.

6. Drinking

Usain finally was able to enjoy high school parties after his friends got their licenses too. He quickly established himself as a champion drinker and honed his skills in college. Whether it was flip cup or a boat race, nobody could drink faster than Usain. Now he’s in the real world and can’t keep a bottle or glass full for more than five minutes. He spends most of the night and all of his income getting drinks just because he’s the fastest drinker.

5. Getting Married

Usain found the love of his life. Being the first one of his friends to get married, she’s either his high school sweetheart or a huge mistake. They get hitched, then buy a house, then have a kid, then have more kids, and so on. Now because life came at him too quickly, he can’t make the boys weekend down in Miami because 100% of his time is divided between changing diapers and paying the mortgage, all because he was the fastest to get married.

4. Going Bald


Usain spent most of his high school years as the man, because he was the best athlete in town and because he has a full head of hair. Now it’s senior year, and the only thing quicker than him on the tracker is his hairline moving to the back of his head. It’s tough to still be the man in high school when your hairline is retreating quicker than the Germans in the Battle of Stalingrad. Even with an impeccable reputation, Usain loses some street cred because he looks like LeBron at 25, all because he was the fastest to go bald.

3. Getting Ready


It’s Friday night after a long work week and Usain desperately needs a night out. He and his buddies plan on going to dinner and then hitting the town. His best friend said he would swing by after he got ready and would be there very soon. Usain quickly gets changed and waits…and waits…and waits. The time spent waiting for his friend to pick him up feels like eternity from the combination of anticipation and desperation, all because he was the fastest to get ready.

2. Finishing The Test


Usain’s sitting in class taking an exam. The teacher has given everyone two hours to complete the test. Usain finishes it in 20 minutes. He confidently walks up to the professor and hands in his exam, only to turn around and realize that the entire class is still grinding away. Usain leaves the class, suspicious, and waits outside for his friends to finish. He becomes increasingly worried after an hour passes and no one else has finished the test. It turns out that Usain just answered the questions and did not provide an argument with supporting details as to why his answers were correct, all because he was fastest to finish the test.

1. Making The Sex, Yakshemash!

You knew this was cumming…

Yes, that was a cum pun.

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