Starting out as a young sports reporter, you often get stuck on the fashion beat. But the truth is, a great sports fashion story comes around once every couple of years, at best. Other than LeBron’s dick popping out and the occasional sighting of Cam Newton wearing a new dope fedora, there hasn’t been much recently. That is, until Nike announced they’re going to do away with the horrendous sleeved jerseys and I scored an interview with the creator of them. This could be my Watergate, my Serial podcast, my chance to change fashion sports reporting forever.
Warning: this interview is hostile and may be hard to read. Proceed at your own risk.
Rick: Why did you do it?
Mark: Too much shoulder, I was watching with my children and I said this game is offensive and it will no doubt turn my boy gay. So obviously I can’t have that.
R: Okay, I see: it was driven by hate. But why would the NBA do such a thing?
M: I asked myself the same question, I looked at my jerseys, then I looked at their jerseys, and honestly I thought it was a longer shot than getting people to buy a Los Heat Jersey, but here we are. It turns out that Adam Silver also thinks we’re turning boys gay. Either that, or he has a strange fear of shoulders.
R: Do you feel good about what you’ve done?
M: GOOD? DO I FEEL GOOD? I FEEL FLIPPIN ECSTATIC. I HAVE SAVED A WHOLE GENERATION FROM HAVING TO SEE MEN’S OBLIQUES, WHICH THEY RECKLESSLY FLAUNT IN FRONT OF US. SO WHAT IF THEY’RE THE FINEST SIDE MUSCLES IN THE LAND? WHY MUST THESE MEN ENTICE US WITH THEIR BODIES?
R: What about your son?
M: What son? I don’t have a son.
R: You said your son was turning gay?
M: Oh yeah…..he’s actually dead. It’s those damn sleeveless hooligans who killed him. I cry every day, just not on camera, because I’m not a bitch.
I know I’m in dangerous territory, but I’m unrelenting. I barrel down, like LeBron in the lane: dick out and sleeveless.
R: Can I see a picture of him?
M: No. It hurts too bad.
R: Sir, do you have a son?
M: Not per se.
R: What does that mean?
M: IT’S THE SHOULDERS GODDAMMIT!!
M (cont): I just…I was so straight until I saw the shoulders. Now I’m meeting up with a man named Patrice once a week to play naked Twister and I think we’re headed toward a relationship. I might seem happy and content and able to love myself for the first time in my entire life, but TRUST ME: deep down I’m miserable…
I guess that’s the closest we will ever come to finding out why the NBA felt the need to make those dumb jerseys…