The scandal that shook the sporting world and then refused to go away is back and better than ever! It’s part sports movie, part courtroom drama, part biopic, part revenge thriller, part Tom and Gisele sex scene, and part Gronk. This is the motion picture event we’ve all been waiting for. Here’s the cast we put together while trying to stay within the confines of a realistic budget:
Josh Duhamel as Tom Brady
Josh Duhamel was born to play the Pats’ questionably culpable, undeniably brilliant quarterback. He’s got the looks, the size, and the smile that’ll make you trust him even while he’s screwing you over. No more Transformers, Josh!
Nicolas Cage as Roger Goodell
Does this even need an explanation? Cage would obviously do it since he’d accept a non-speaking role in a children’s musical if it paid well enough. He also happens to possess just the right mix of douchiness and charisma that make him the ideal candidate to play our villain.
Kevin Spacey as Bill Belichick
This needs to happen. Whether it’s in a Deflategate movie or a straight-up biopic, Kevin Spacey needs to play Bill Belichick. Imagine a crankier Frank Underwood with a hoodie and a clipboard. The Oscar buzz is already brewing.
William Shatner as Robert Kraft
First off, did you know the Shat is ten years older than Krafty? We didn’t, but that didn’t stop us from casting the original Cap’n Kirk and Priceline Negotiator to play the Patriots’ billionaire owner. He’ll have to tone down the movement, of course.
Jesse L. Martin as Ted Wells
Ted Wells should send us a gift basket if this ever happens, because Jesse L. Martin is wayyyyy too cool to play the dorky lawyer tasked with “getting to the bottom” of the Deflategate controversy. Martin is as smooth as they come and has a history in courtroom dramas. The Law & Order star can pull this one off in his sleep.
Penelope Cruz as Gisele Bundchen
It’s not easy to capture the knockout beauty and Brazilian flair of the Victoria’s Secret supermodel and Tom Brady’s better half, but if anyone could do it, it’s Penelope. At 43, Cruz is still drop-dead gorgeous and we could easily see the Oscar-winner conveying the emotions of a devoted yet conflicted wife.
Gronk as Gronk
Every movie needs at least a smidge of comic relief, and who better to provide that than the goofy tight end himself? No actor could possibly channel the inner child/frat boy that is Rob Gronkowski, and last time we checked, Gronk will literally appear in anything.
Patton Oswalt as The Locker Room Guy
Ahh yes, the infamous “Locker Room Guy.” While we appreciated the renditions of everyone who appeared in the Jimmy Kimmel skit, we felt the real character needed to be played by someone who was a little seedier. Enter Patton Oswalt. If you’ve seen him in Big Fan, picture that role but a die-hard Pats fan instead.
Martin Lawrence as Troy Vincent
Okay, this is mostly because we miss Martin Lawrence and want to know where the hell he’s been the last ten years, but also because we think he’d work as the executive vice president of football ops. Come on, Martin. This could be your big comeback! Also, we’re anxiously awaiting Blue Streak 2.
Tim Blake Nelson as Walt Anderson
To cast the referee who presided over the game that sparked this whole scandal, we needed a seasoned actor with a hint of goofiness to him. Tim Blake Nelson certainly fits the bill. We close our eyes and see him half-assedly inspecting Tommy’s balls. We have weird dreams.
Dustin Hoffman as Richard M. Berman
We felt the film required one more dash of star power and a veteran presence to truly solidify the courtroom side of things. That’s why Dusty was the perfect fit for Judge Berman. We’re also a bit biased because we’d watch Hoffman perform a one-man reading of the U.S. tax code.