No one knows Ronaldo like Ronaldo knows Ronaldo. Which is unfortunate, because there are a few things about Ronaldo that we really want to know. No, not the important stuff like “How did he get so good at soccer?” and “What are his favorite ab workouts?” Around here we focus more on stuff we actually care about, like…
No 6: How Much Money He’s Spent On Hair Gel During His Career
Assuming he actually pays for it* we did some quick math: $40 per bottle x 3 bottles per week (before games, after games, etc.) x 52 weeks x 15 years = $93,600. Let’s round up and guess $100K.
*He does do hair gel sponsorships, but our guess is he shells out the big bucks for high-end stuff. Put it this way: Do you think LeBron drives a free Kia, or a luxury car that he paid for?
No 5: Number of Teammates Whose Names He Never Bothered To Learn
For simplicity’s sake, let’s limit this to his professional career. He’s played 15 1/2 seasons of top level soccer for Sporting, Manchester United, and Real Madrid. In his first 20 1/2 seasons at Manchester United, Ryan Giggs played with 141 different teammates. Assuming a similar attrition rate – they were teammates for six seasons and Real Madrid cycles through players at a similar pace as Man United – Ronaldo would have played with approximately 107 different teammates. Let’s round up to 110 because Man United was famous for continuity during the Giggs era, and assume Ronaldo didn’t bother to learn the names of between four and six percent of them. That would leave us with a number between 4.4 and 6.6. That feels a little low, though. Best guess: 8 or 9.
No 4: Number of Needles Stuck In His Body
There isn’t much research or math we can do here – everything is behind closed doors. It may even be possible that he has never stuck a needle in his body outside of team physicals. HOWEVER, between Botox, Lidocaine, B12, Cortisone, and (potentially) far more nefarious substances, we would guess Ronaldo is no stranger to the feeling of hollow stainless steel entering his well-defined veins.
He once crashed a two-day-old Ferrari and left it on the side of the road, so we’re guessing he isn’t too stingy when it comes to automobile purchases. He also apparently owns a Maserati GranCarbrio, a Bentley Continental GT, a Porsche Cayenne Turbo, a Lamborghini Aventador, a Ferrari 599 GTO, a Rolls-Royce Phantom, an Aston Martin DB9 and a $1,700,000 Bugatti Veyron, among others. The best estimate we could find totals these out at $4,912,000, but throw in a few more totaled cars we don’t know about, a few for family and friends, and our best guess is between $5,500,000 and $6,000,000.
At 8,600 sq feet, 43 seems like a reasonable guess. One every 200 sq feet. Actually, on second thought, that feels low. Let’s say 51 – we’re guessing he set up the house so that he can’t go anywhere without seeing his own reflection.
No 1: Number of Times He Looks in the Mirror Per Day
Fuck, our calculator just broke…