Today marks the 12th anniversary of the “Dave Roberts steal game,” aka Game 4 of the 2004 ALCS, which began Boston’s epic comeback against the Yankees.
I will always remember this game fondly, partly because I am a Red Sox fan and I appreciate its massive historical significance, but mostly because my dad and I got hooked up with great seats and I managed to smoke weed throughout the entire game without getting caught.
Here is the play-by-play of how I did it:
2pm Sitting at my house in the Boston suburbs, still recovering from the previous night’s game in which the Yankees beat us 19-8 to take a 3-0 series lead. The phone rings: It is my Dad’s friend offering us two seats in the first row of the infield roof box along the first base line at Fenway. He’s a Yankees fan and just scored better seats to see the sweep completed. His luck is our gain, and after about .342 seconds of hesitation due to our reluctance to see the Red Sox get beat down again, we gladly accept.
5:30pm On the train on the way into the city from the boring-ass suburb where I grew up (Winchester, MA). I have (along with a small roll of duct tape with just a few pieces remaining) a standard-looking piece and enough weed for two bowl packs in the pocket of my coat.
7:06pm After a few train/subway changeovers and a bite to eat, it’s time to begin heading over to the park. My dad takes a minute to find a bathroom and smoke a cigarette and I use the available few minutes to sneak behind a Boston University dorm, smoke a bowl, pack the next one, and then tape said bowl between my ass cheeks.
Note: This wasn’t me shoving a piece up my ass. Fenway Park security isn’t the TSA. I just nudged the piece between my cheeks and held it there with a piece of tape so that a security guard would have to go way overboard to find it.
7:41pm We get to the seats about 30 min before first pitch and they are fucking great! They were in the very first row of this section…
Keep in mind, this was before Red Sox ownership turned every possible square foot of roof area into premium seating. The roof area was still pretty open back then and it felt like the concessions and bathrooms were private accommodations for just the couple hundred fans sitting in our section.
8:02pm Almost ready for the first pitch. Time to put the plan into action. I walk to the bathrooms near the right field roof box and head straight to the stall. I remove the piece from my asscheek area (I had wrapped it in tape in addition to just securing it, so there was some padding when I sat down in my seat and little-t0-no skin-to-piece contact) and unwrap it. Then (and pay attention closely here because this is the most important part) I light the piece and begun sucking in a hit. I make sure to suck hard so all the smoke goes into my lungs and not the nostrils of the middle-aged man taking a piss on the other side of the stall wall. And then, as I’m sucking the hit in, I completely extinguish the burning bowl with the butt end of a lighter.
If done correctly, at least 99% of the smoke goes right into your lungs, leaving no smell (or at least not enough of a smell to cut through the normal Fenway bathroom aroma) to around suspicion. Then I washed my hands while continuing to swallow the hit, before exiting the bathroom and blowing what was left of the smoke casually into the ether (in the opposite direction from the stands). If you do a good job swallowing the hit (which can be harder with good weed), there won’t be much smoke left by the time you exit the bathroom, making it easier to casually blow it out. I went to the railing and looked out over the city so no one could have a good angle to see me.
Once I did that with no trouble, I knew I was home free. People smell weed all the time. If they don’t know where it is coming from, they can’t do anything about it.
Then I casually walked back to my seat in time for the first pitch.
8:10pm – 12:15pm At the end of each full inning, I repeated my bathroom trick, making sure to keep the hits relatively small so they would be very swallowable and the weed would last me the full game. I did eventually run out around the time this happened…
…but thanks to my ingenious strategy, I was still high when this happened about 45 minutes later:
Two weeks later I was at the Red Sox World Series parade, where getting high took a lot less effort.