Finishing 0-16 is hard. There are a lot of bad teams. The 2012 Bobcats, the ’62 Mets, my high school debate team ’09. But all those teams at least won one game. The Browns are in danger of joining the 2008 Detroit Lions as the only NFL teams to 0-16. We don’t know if they’ll get there but we do know that Brown’s coach Hue Jackson is feeling the pain. Here are his five stages of grief:
No 5: DENIAL – “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”
Hue screams this right into a pillow, partly to get energy out, partly in the hope he’ll suffocate and not have to finish 0-16.
No 4: ANGER – “Dak? Dak Prescott? Just shoot me in the face!”
Everyone regrets passing on Dak Prescott. But taking Cody Kessler over Dak is a whole different level of regret.
No 3: BARGAINING WITH HIMSELF – “Dear God, I will murder RG3 for one win. We don’t need more than two RG’s around here anyway.”
Hue is sinking deep; he’ll do anything for a win.
No 2: DEPRESSION- “Oh God, Why?”
Hue is having a tough time with these Browns, it only makes sense that he looks to a higher power for answers. For now he’ll just stare off into the distance.
No 1: ACCEPTANCE – “Maybe I’ll teach gym”
Hue knows that shit isn’t going to get better. He thinks he’ll feel at home amongst middle schoolers because they also hate themselves.