MLB

If MLB Teams Were Sorted Into Hogwarts Houses

HUFFLEPUFF

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No offense to all you Cedric Diggory fans, but nothing screams irrelevance quite like J.K. Rowling’s ultimate afterthought: Hufflepuff. While plenty of teams fit into the mold of mediocrity that is the House of Huffle, two upper midwest squads truly embody the virtues most closely associated with the Puffs. We’re speaking of course about the Twins and the Brewers. Not that we don’t love us some Joe Mauer, but if Lord Voldemort was storming Target Field, we couldn’t exactly envision old Joe taking out his lumber and hammering the Dark Lord into the ground — we could however see him waiting back and slapping Voldy to left for an opposite-field single.

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As for the Brewers, with no World Series to their name, two playoff appearances since 1983, and a best player who’s more two-faced than a before and after plastic surgery shot of Reneé Zellwegger, they’re lucky to even be let into the school.

RAVENCLAW

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Ahh, Ravenclaw. The crafty under-the-radar house who does just enough good to be homies with Gryffindor, but just enough mischief to make you keep your eye on them. Let’s start with the obvious choice here: the Cardinals. Baseball’s equivalent of a farm-to-table restaurant, St. Louis has mastered the art of nurturing young talent and spending money on the right players. Mixed with their uncanny ability to always be in the conversation come playoff time, the well-oiled machine that is the Cards is likable enough to avoid the snakes, but too annoying to play with the lions.

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The second choice here is a bit more difficult, but we’re going with the Red Sox. In 2004, they were undoubtedly Gryffindors, but years of success, coupled with a ballooning budget and baseball’s most obnoxious fans has them relegated to Ravenclaw and one World Series away from joining Slytherin. Perhaps someone needs to re-hit them with the Bambino Curse to set them straight.

SLYTHERIN

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For this we simply asked ourselves: Who would Draco root for? If you can’t see that greasy-haired little shit donning a Yankees cap and boasting about the Steinbrenner family’s pure blood and deep pockets then you have a severely stunted imagination. Despite a rather lengthy World Series drought (by their standards) and an influx of exciting young bats, the Bronx Bombers will forever remain baseball’s Dark Lord.

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Malfoy’s second-favorite team also shouldn’t come as much of a surprise, as it’s the even-year evil empire San Francisco Giants. They check off all the boxes: big payroll, annoying fanbase, Hunter Pence’s Fuller House appearance, and the use of dark magic to conjure up World Series rings out of so-so teams. Also, we could totally see their entire roster showing up at weekly Death Eaters Anonymous meetings.

GRYFFINDOR

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Harry’s house. The ones you root for. They might not have the most impressive track record, and they probably have one too many Weasley’s, but at the end of the day, you don’t mind seeing them win. We’d argue that the Major League’s Gryffindors are always changing, but right now, the Cubs are definitely sipping some Butterbeer in Mr. Potter’s old common room. Coming off their first title in 108 years, the Cubbies are no longer lovable losers, but instead a lovable collection of the most talented 25-man roster in baseball. And their Harry-Ron-Hermione-Neville-esque core will be together for a long time to come. After the North Siders, the Sorting Hat’s job gets a bit more tricky when it comes to selecting Gryffindors. After finishing as the World Series runner-ups and boasting a 23-year-old superstar shortstop whose smile will literally light up Christmas trees this Winter, the Indians have to be in the conversation. Following the Tribe, the upstart Astros are an intriguing option. Led by a middle infield duo that could star in the remake of Twins, Houston has all the pieces to be welcomed into the scarlet and gold family.

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