The playoffs are about to begin and a new year is almost upon us. In the spirit of looking forward, we’ve compiled New Year’s resolutions for all 32 NFL teams. Nearly all of these have been confirmed by team sources. And by all, we mean none. Also, what are sources? Enjoy!
New York Jets: Put Ryan Fitzpatrick’s Harvard education towards something other than throwing completions to the wrong team. That’s an ivy league way of saying “getting picked off.”
Buffalo Bills: Don’t hire any twin brother coaching duo unless said brothers are Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito. Danny would make a mean defensive coordinator.
Miami Dolphins: Accept that the un-sexiness of your strikingly average quarterback is canceled out by the British accent of your running back. MI6 infiltrates NFL. Somebody call 007. Goodell would make the best Bond villain.
New England Patriots: Finally convince Bill Belichick to reveal his softer side to the American publi–Oh, wait. He doesn’t have one and is indeed made of pure granite? Cool, just checking. In that case, we’ll go with having a scandal free 2017.
Cleveland Browns: There’s another New Year? The world hasn’t ended yet? We have to go through this all over again? Shit.
Cincinnati Bengals: Create a 2017 calendar with Adam Jones cuddling puppies in an attempt to counteract any residual negative karma from last year’s playoff game against the Steelers. Title it “Pups and Pacman” and feature Vontaze Burfict in a pile of pitbull puppies for September.
Baltimore Ravens: Sub Jim Harbaugh in for his brother John and see if he can make Joe Flacco look awake.
Pittsburgh Steelers: Find Le’Veon Bell a new toy to play with in the offseason that isn’t his favorite bong.
Jacksonville Jaguars: Move on from Bortles. Delete all pictures of him from your social media, burn old letters, laser off the “BB” tattoo on your left ass cheek, do whatever needs to be done to erase him from your mind.
Indianapolis Colts: Hire people to protect Andrew Luck from defensive linemen and then hire other people to protect viewers from seeing him in any more commercials. So. Awkward.
Tennessee Titans: Build a brick wall on your practice field and have Derrick Henry attempt to run through it to finally answer the age-old question: “What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object?”
Houston Texans: Find nearest liquor store. Purchase all liquor. Drink until you can’t remember the amount of money you guaranteed Brock Osweiler.
San Diego Chargers: Pack your bags and drive two hours north to your new home and don’t forget your chargers. Get it? Chargers’ chargers? F**k, we’re not even to the NFC yet.
Denver Broncos: Convince Trevor Siemian to legally change his last name to “Semen” so we can hear announcers say things like “Semen has been bottled up by the defense…” or “You’ve gotta like the way Semen fits into tight spaces…” or “Semen has been all over the field today.”
Kansas City Chiefs: Nut punch anyone who calls Alex Smith a good “game manager.”
Oakland Raiders: Move the team to Vegas. Take all your fans with you. Keep them there where they belong — in a never-ending vortex of face paint, slot machines, and hooker business cards.
Philadelphia Eagles: Remember how much worse things could’ve been if you’d gotten stuck with Jared Goff. And you’re another year removed from Chip Kelly. So there’s that.
Washington Redskins: Change logo? No? Ok. In that case, find Kirk Cousins’ cousins and ask them if they’re down to start a ska band called “Cousins’ Cousins.” We’re in desperate need of trumpeter.
New York Giants: Just new haircuts all around. New one for Eli, new one for OBJ, and most importantly a new one for coach Ben McAdoo. You can’t be on TV with a bowl cut, Ben. You just can’t. It’s 2017.
Dallas Cowboys: #Dak&Zeke4Lyfe. Be gracious and list yourself as a character reference for when Tony Romo applies for the open sous chef position at Tony Roma’s.
Chicago Bears: Wave goodbye to the heaping pile of resting bitch face that is Jay Cutler and ring in the New Year behind Matt Barkley’s charming, vanilla, American Eagle ad vibes.
Minnesota Vikings: Don’t lose your two best offensive players before the season starts. Pretend the whole Sam Bradford thing never happened.
Detroit Lions: Just do it. Admit you like Matt Stafford a lil’ bit and despite your incessant insistence that he isn’t the right quarterback, you’ve quietly been rooting for him the whole time.
Green Bay Packers: Solve Aaron Rodgers’ daddy issues. Shit’s not cool yo’.
Carolina Panthers: Figure out how you went from a one-loss Super Bowl runner-up to the basement of a mediocre division in the span of a season. Did Cam stop eating his Dannon Oikos? Eat the Oikos, Cam!!
New Orleans Saints: Hmm, just throwing an idea out there, we know it’s a bit wild, but maybe, just maybe…you get a defense? We know, we know. That’s insane! But, like maybe just try it, and see how it works.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Purchase Famous Amos cookies, change the name to Famous Jameis, sell a shit ton of cookies. Boom. You’re welcome.
Atlanta Falcons: Purchase Natty Ice beer, change the name to Matty Ice, repackage it as alcoholic soda water, sell a shit ton of water. Bang. You’re also welcome.
San Francisco 49ers: Yikes. Thank Colin for keeping you relevant despite an abysmal season, then part ways with Colin for being a massive distraction, then find a whole new team! Good luck.
Los Angeles Rams: Go to hot yoga every day to center your core and forget the fact that by sucking so uncontrollably you squandered a massive opportunity to corner the LA football market, leaving the door open for the Chargers to become LA’s team. Ha. Nevermind, the Chargers suck too. Go Clippers!
Arizona Cardinals: Hold funeral services for Carson Palmer’s arm strength, spend seven days sitting shiva, then move da f**k on. And before you ask, yes we checked. Palmer’s arm is indeed Jewish.
Seattle Seahawks: Understand that Russell Wilson’s subpar play is a direct result of him finally getting it in with Ciara and that he’ll never be the same now that he’s actively using his 12th man.
Happy New Year everybody!