For the avid hardball fan, the MLB offseason can be a dark time full of irrelevant NBA games and maybe even some tennis, but alas, the day has come and baseball is back! No more waiting or meaningless spring training games (that we still can’t help but put lots of meaning into). Here are our Opening Day Power Rankings and 30 mediocre jokes:
Watching Kyle Schwarber hit is like watching Beyoncé sing. Watching Kyle Schwarber field is like watching Beyoncé act. Foxy Cleopatra! As long as Bryzzo remains intact they’ll be back to at least the NLCS.
2. Cleveland Indians (1st AL Central)
Scientists have begun looking into the supernatural effects of Francisco Lindor’s smile after it made thousands of people actually want to live in Cleveland. They’re hungry and eager to avenge Game 7.
3. Boston Red Sox (1st AL East)
Pablo Sandoval seems to have shed his Pablo Escobar fat and won back his third base job. Even with the loss of Big Papi, this lineup is deeper than a T.S. Eliot poem being read in a submarine in a baritone voice by Mobb Deep. We totally just Inception-ed you.
4. Los Angeles Dodgers (1st NL West)
Yung Joc takes a big step forward and Yasiel Puig sacrifices multiple chickens to get his swing back. If the pitching can stay healthy they can challenge the Cubs.
5. Houston Astros (1st AL West)
This lineup is stacked, José Altuve is adorable, and perhaps no player has ever fit the state of Texas better than Brian McCann. Definitely an under-the-radar World Series pick.
6. Washington Nationals (1st NL East)
Bryce Harper will flip a bat and flip somebody off in the first month of the season. Trust. They might finish with a better record than the Cubs and Dodgers, but they’ll cave in the playoffs.
7. St. Louis Cardinals (2nd NL Central)
Newly signed Dexter Fowler is either spilling all of his Cubs teammates’ darkest secrets or working as a spy for Joe Maddon. Either way, this rivalry should be a lot more interesting in 2017.
Matthew McConaughey floated out of the black hole that was San Fran’s bullpen last season and told them to sign Mark Melancon. With the pen leakage corked, Bochy gets his boys a Wild Card spot.
9. Seattle Mariners (2nd AL West)
Come on, Seattle. You can do it. Exceed expectations. Edwin Diaz will lead the league in saves. Why? Because we said so…and because he throws 100 with movement and a dirty slider.
10. Toronto Blue Jays (2nd AL East)
The loss of Edwin Encarnacion has left a noticeable glory hole in the middle of their lineup that needs to be filled with some new wood. Who said we were PG? Luckily the supernatural movement of Marcus Stroman’s two-seam should be enough to keep them competitive.
11. Texas Rangers (3rd AL West)
We’re just gonna say it, we don’t like your face, Jonathan Lucroy. Boom! Analysis. For realz though, aging stars and a brittle pitching staff has us projecting regression for the Rangers.
12. New York Mets (2nd NL East)
If one more arm goes down, this team crumbles like Sean Spicer’s patience when asked a remotely difficult question. Then again, they’re the only team with an Avenger.
The Bronx Bombers are dangerously close to being good again. With even minor contributions from their youngsters (not including Gary Sanchez, who is 100% a 40-year-old Martian named Zexfürg 7) the Yanks could surprise some people with a Wild Card berth.
14. Pittsburgh Pirates (3rd NL Central)
A return to form from Andrew McCutchen and a breakout season from rookie Josh Bell could propel this team to a Wild Card spot. Yo Ho, Yo Ho, get us out of this damn division.
15. Kansas City Royals (2nd AL Central)
Most likely the last time they’ll have the full band together, as Eric Hosmer, Lorenzo Cain, Mike Moustakas, and Alcides Escobar are all slated to become free agents after the season. It’ll either be an ugly breakup or a Greatest Hits tour.
16. Baltimore Orioles (4th AL East)
How did you not add a pitcher in the offseason? Balls will be flying out of Camden Yards like the cheating boyfriend’s clothes being flung out the window in any rom-com.
17. Detroit Tigers (3rd AL Central)
They’ve been “getting old” for five seasons and you wonder how much longer until the team and Victor Martinez’s knees fall apart.
18. Colorado Rockies (3rd NL West)
Rox receive the minimal contribution needed from their pitching staff in order to make them a .500 team but still fall short as the ghost of Troy Tulowitzki haunts Coors Field.
The Braves are moving up in the world. After drastically improving in the second half last year, they’ll open 2017 with a new stadium and Bartolo Colon. Need we say more?
20. Florida Marlins (4th NL East)
2027. The year Giancarlo Stanton will be released from baseball prison. While they’ll play this entire season with José in their hearts, the fact is that without him on the field they don’t have what it takes.
21. Milwaukee Brewers (4th NL Central)
This team will score runs, they’ll give up more runs, from California to New York Island. Chin up, Milwaukee, the Bucks are in the playoffs!
22. Tampa Bay Rays (5th AL East)
Just move already. Go somewhere you’ll be appreciated and loved and more than fifteen people will show up to your games. Then you won’t have to start Logan Morrison at first base.
23. Oakland A’s (4th AL West)
Oliver Stone is in talks to direct Platoon 2, a dramedy centering around Oakland’s formation of lineups based on the right- or left-handedness of the opposing pitcher. B-Pitt expected to reprise his role as Billy Beane.
24. Chicago White Sox (4th AL Central)
Biding their time until the army of prospects they acquired this offseason are ready for the show. In the meantime, sit back, relax, and enjoy the mediocrity of South Sider baseball.
25. Arizona Diamondbacks (4th NL West)
How’d those major pitching acquisitions work out last year, guys? Aren’t you glad you used all your money and depleted your farm system for two guys who you’ll be lucky to get number four starter stats from? Idiots.
Ricky Nolasco. Their Opening Day starter is Ricky Nolasco. Send cuddles and well-wishes to firstname.lastname@example.org.
27. Minnesota Twins (5th AL Central)
Byron Buxton better be better before becoming biggest bust in baseball. Alliteration desperation. At least Joe Mauer’s still goin’.
28. Cincinnati Reds (5th NL Central)
Not seeing Brandon Phillips at the keystone will be weird, but Joey Votto will do everything in his power to make sure he remains weirder. You can never trust those Canadians.
No 29: Philadelphia Phillies (5th NL East)
We’re sorry! This team is currently under construction. Check back in 2019!
30. San Diego Padres (5th NL West)
Petco Park is really pretty. So, at least there’s that.