Game of Thrones is like sports for geeks. And for people like myself (and tens of millions of others) who are both geeks and love sports, why not combine the two? It’s only natural to wonder about the sports world comparisons for the main players in Westeros. It would be impossible to hit every single character, but we managed to pull together most (or at least some) of the main characters from the run of the show and imagined them manifested as figures in our own, dragon-free sports world (consider that your spoiler warning).
Ned Stark – Victor Ortiz
Ned thought he was being honorable when he confronted Cersei in Season 1, but he was really just being naive, and it cost him his head. Victor Ortiz thought he was being sportsmanlike here with Floyd Mayweather, except like dear old Dead Ned, he was just naive, and the much more cynical Mayweather took the match, upending Ortiz’s career in the process…
Cersei Lannister – Floyd Mayweather
They’re both evil, abusive rich people skilled at manipulation. The kind that take advantage of people like Ned Stark and Victor Ortiz. And so far, the kind that win in the end, whether we’re talking about world boxing circa 2017 or the Seven Kingdoms circa whenever the fuck.
Joffrey Baratheon – James Dolan
The spoiled sons of men who actually went out and accomplished things, both enjoy picking fights with those weaker then themselves. Joffrey may have been more evil, but both are incompetent in the extreme, more likely to be found cowering in fear than manning the front lines.
Dolan hasn’t been poisoned yet, but like Joffrey, if it were to happen, it would be hard to narrow down the suspects. There are a lot of Knicks fans out there, and statistically, more than a few of them are playing with less than a full deck.
Grand Maester Pycelle – Phil Jackson
“Before we can issue in the new, the old must be put to rest.”
Jon Snow – Steph Curry
They were both overlooked growing up despite having powerful fathers, and in a few short years they each went from being afterthoughts to the most important person in their world, give or take one or two people (Daenerys, LeBron, etc.). They’re both also the type of people you want to hate but can’t because they’re too nice and decent.
The Mountain – Aaron Hernandez
Not a lot of people truly enjoy killing, are good at it, and don’t really give a fuck if they’re caught. Granted, these types are more common in fantasy novels and HBO shows than NFL locker rooms, but Hernandez was (hopefully) one of a kind.
Littlefinger – Worldwide Wes
Titles don’t do them justice or capture the full scope of their responsibilities. They are everywhere and nowhere, popping up at all the key moments, but usually staying in the background. They both have a wide array of connections to the most powerful people in their worlds, but exactly what they do with those connections and who they’re close to or estranged from at any given time is a known unknown. Observers think their respective worlds revolve around them, and they aren’t totally wrong.
Varys – Bill Belichick
He who keeps the secrets wins in the end. Both of these rotund middle-aged gentlemen prefer the hooded cloak look, and both prefer work to other, more frivolous pursuits (although Belichick has more time than Varys for extra-curricular activities). These two are probably the smartest people in their respective worlds, and while they won’t sit on the Iron Throne themselves (or take a single snap), they are the ones whispering in the ears of those who will.
High Sparrow – Manny Pacquiao
An overhyped religious zealot gets the attention of everyone for a short little bit and then is exposed and bites the dust in a major way.
The Hound – Kendrick Perkins
Both are thugs who are proud of their service and don’t do much else at this point other than scaring people. In fact, many in their respective fields think they’re done for good (although the Hound has more of a role to play than Perkins in the coming months). They’re also both very nice, interesting people once you get to know them.
Daenerys Targaryen – LaVar Ball
They both talk a lot about how great they are, particularly their future accomplishments. Dany has three dragons; LaVar has three sons. People all over the world hate them without ever having met them. And both are about to take over the world.
Tyrion Lanniester – Isaiah Thomas
Overlooked for being too small, they both rose stratospherically to become one of the most important people in their world within a few short years.
Tywin Lannister – Pat Riley
Strong. Feared. Respected. Militaristic. Corny. Inspiring. The similarities go on and on. LeBron refusing to turn off a World Cup game while meeting with Riley in Vegas and then signing back with the Cavs has got to be Riley’s version of getting shot by his own son while sitting on the shitter.
Lyanna Mormont – Simone Biles
Tiny little girls who stole the show by being the baddest motherfuckers around…