Why listen to Mel Kiper or Todd McShay when you can listen to me? Don’t believe me? Here are a few of my accolades:
- Has won the Super Bowl with every franchise in Madden. Never plays a game, just makes those sweet, sweet trades
- Read Moneyball when I was in third grade
- Is straight up cute as hell.
Now let’s see if I can show those general managers what’s up.
No 10: Leonard Fournette
Here’s the thing: Fournette could be Ezekiel Elliott if he gets drafted by the Cowboys. Obviously they won’t draft him, but a team like them. You get the point. Elliott had the rare privilege of being drafted by an already great team with a ferocious offensive line. I don’t say this lightly: I HATE the cowboys. But Elliott was lucky, and most high draft picks don’t get that kind of line, and that’s what you need to succeed. The other big factor is how successful mid-round running back picks have been. You take a look at Justin Howard, and Paul Perkins did, and you wonder if any RB is worth taking that high, especially went Trent Richardson is so fresh in everyone’s mind. That’s why these rumors about the Browns drafting him are crazy. It’s just like how I won’t ever date another girl named Ashley, that hurt is so fresh, why would the Browns ever touch another top five running back?
No 9: Christian McCaffrey
This is a boom or bust candidate. I have a feeling that McCaffrey will go earlier than anyone expects. Hot take: I think he’s going top 15. Another hot take: that would be a big mistake. McCaffrey has a combination of the problems of the people mentioned above. Running backs are dangerous, and as dangerous as McCaffrey is on the field, he spent as much time on the medical table as he did running plays. And kind of like Adoree’ Jackson, he lacks a true position. He’s not a real running back as much as an X-factor. This excites a lot of people, but I think McCaffrey is going to suffer the fate of Reggie Bush during his worst years, meaning a sex tape that’s not even the best one your girlfriend is featured in.
8) Dalvin Cook
If I think Fournette might bust, then I’m unsure of Cook. A speedster, a talented runner, but a huge risk. Cook ran the ball almost 700 times in college. That’s a lot of wear and tear with which to come into the league. Plus Florida State runs that beautiful spread. It was spring break year round there for Cook as he took whatever he wanted and basked in the sunlight, but like the end of any relationship, you wonder if he’ll be as good as anyone else. The holes are tight in the NFL – any creepy uncle will tell you that is better, but for a running back it can ruin a career.
No 7: Cam Robinson
I have a thing about over-drafting Alabama players. So many of them seem better from being part of such a great unit and their deficiencies get covered up by the greatness of the team. That’s why so many huge linemen end up busting. I think of Luke Joeckel and Jason Smith, and in the end, they’re just two huge guys who make a lot of money for being fucking huge. I think Cam is going to fit into that category. He doesn’t seem to have enough passion for the game to take him from being a mauler to being a great offensive lineman. If he wants, he can ask Erik Flowers what that’s like. That lazy shit only lifts his hands above his chest if they’re holding food.
No 6: John Ross
Feels like a combine warrior to me. He was a great receiver in college, but does he have the size and strength to be a true number one in the NFL? What about when Richard Sherman is bumping him every route? These things are hard, and a lot of it will depend on the offense/quarterback of the team he’s taken by, but based on my expert eye, he seems more Darrius Heyward-Bey then OBJ.
No 5: Corey Davis
Another big receiver. I’m wary of a Western Michigan receiver in a PJ Fleck offense. He doesn’t have the speed to compete against the higher level of competition. His scouting reports say that he hears footsteps and gets scared. He also has a lot of drops, and if that’s true in the mid-Atlantic conference, it’s certainly going to be true in the league.
Am I right? Maybe not. Will I share this article after Davis doesn’t record 25 catches in any of his first five seasons? No. I will share just this one blurb and email it to every GM and say they should hire me as a scout until they do or I get a restraining order.
4) Adoree’ Jackson
I wrote this through tears, as I am a proud USC Trojan. Adoree’ could have gone down as one of the great all-time college players if he had just stayed in school, but the death knell of top-tier draft prospects is when they don’t really have a position. I don’t know if Adoree’ will ever be a top notch corner. He’s an electrifying returner and can be a good receiver, but is he NFL caliber at anything other than returning? Why didn’t he talk to me at that party? Sorry, I got off track. Mostly I don’t know if I could use a first round pick on a guy whose best case scenario might be Devin Hester.
I’m sorry. I really am. I hope I’m wrong. But I’m not. I’m a genius.
No 3: Jabrill Peppers
When a baseball player is an anomaly and can’t find a position, he plays designated hitter and bashes the ball around to his heart’s desire. You can’t do that in football; there is no player whose job is just to be a freak athlete. Peppers does a lot of things very well, but I’m not sure what he does great. He was able to dominate at the college level athletically, but in the NFL there is no separation. Peppers is like a middle schooler who hit puberty too early or too late – he’s fine, he’s not that weird, but he does not fit in at the moment.
No 2: Jonathan Allen
Jonathan Allen might be the Deion Jones of this draft. Sorry, you probably don’t remember him. Vernon Gholston…oh, him too. Um, Aaron Curry. Same thing. The point is every year there’s a hot pass rusher who gets picked too high and flames out. Allen is already battling injuries and played for Alabama, meaning that the talent of his teammates and greatness of the scheme allowed him to rack up stats. This leaves me thinking that he has as much potential to bust as a porn star at the end of the film.
No 1: Every Quarterback. Literally all of them.
They all are dangerous. DeShone Kizer’s own coach doesn’t think he’s ready. Patrick Mahomes is an Air Raid quarterback. Mitch Tributsky was only good enough to start one year at UNC, and Deshaun Watson, well, I kind of like Watson, but I also used to think Nickelback was cool, so you can’t trust me all the time. This quarterback class is bad news. They’re like the bad boy. Sure they’re sexy and exciting, and they may be great in the sack, but there is no consistency. You hear that Susie, he’s never going to change.