No 13: Alejandro Moreno
Everything that comes out of his mouth is condescending in a “smart-ass kid giving the substitute teacher a hard time” kind of way. Plus, about 50% of what he says is pure crap, seemingly on purpose to be a contrarian. Firing him would be a huge boon to ESPN’s soccer coverage.
No 12: Chris Connelly
Connelly used to be a favorite back when Bill Simmons was his Rabbi, but now the only time he appears on air is to introduce and narrate some overly-sappy story that makes you cry, but only after you puke. Nothing against the subjects of these stories – a lot of them are incredibly brave – but he should really be working for a funeral home, narrating In Memoriam videos for $129.99 a pop.
No 11: Kasey Keller
The single most boring color analyst in any sport on any network. He sounds like he is 50% sedated at all times. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.
No 10: Danny Kanell
Kannell is clearly talented and produces a lot of good radio content, but we can’t get past his insane pro-NCAA, anti-student athlete stance that he flaunts regularly. He seems to take great glee in announcing that a scholarship is payment enough for athletes in revenue generating sports. Maybe it was for him because he grew up the son of a rich doctor in Miami?
No 9: Matthew Berry
Talk about someone who is President of their own fan club. Matthew Berry’s favorite subject (besides Fantasy Football) is himself and what a fantasy savant he is. It is hard to pin down exactly why, but his face is extremely unwatchable and most of what comes out of his mouth is useless or obvious or both.
No 8: Mike Golic
This should include his partner in crime Mike Greenberg, but we went with Golic because he is just slightly more smug and unbearable. He spends his mornings spewing recycled opinions and passing out moral judgement like some sort of Trump-era Bill Cosby. The only way for him to be more corporate would be to get ESPN tattooed across his forehead.
No 7: Stephen A Smith
We don’t hate him QUITE as much as everyone else seems to, but we still can’t watch him for more than five seconds without switching the channel. So there’s that. A very smart guy who is good at doing exactly what ESPN asks him to, but he’s filled with loud, over-the-top, bombastic takes that are only occasionally supplemented by cogency.
No 6: Britt McHenry
If you watched that video, not sure what else needs to be said…
No 5: Mike Ditka
Thank God he is off Sunday NFL Countdown. We aren’t huge fans of the show anyway, but his presence made it downright unbearable. His “chemistry” or lack thereof with the former players who populated the show was nails-on-a-chalkboard awkward and he seemed in recent years to be gravitating towards more social commentary and away from the cogent football insights he once regularly supplied.
No 4: Darren Rovell
The smuggest person and most ridiculous Tweeter in sports media (no small feat), Rovell goes about life assuming that everyone is laughing with him. He’s wrong. They are laughing at him. Head over to Deadspin and peruse their stories on him. They have done a great job documenting his shitty-ness.
No 3: Mark Jackson
Not terrible at his job or anything. Just a vindictive Jesus-pusher who takes on-air pot shots at his former players that he doesn’t get along with, like Andrew Bogut, and openly demands credit for the Warriors success during telecasts. He comes across as a very fake person, and our own experiences with him and some of the stories we have heard from his time coaching the Warriors give us no reason to think otherwise.
No 2: Merrill Hoge
A prime example of a blustery ex-jock who thinks the only lessons you need to know in life are found in the movie Rudy. And GOOD GOD look at that tie not. Pretty sure that thing is illegal in 12 states.
No 1: Chris Berman
Back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, (thank God Chris Berman is leaving after this football season and not coming) BACK.