You may have golfed with some of these people. You may have golfed with them all. You may even be one of them. In all cases, we at TheLead could not be more sorry for you. Except if you’re one of them. Then screw you…
No 16: The Person Who Corrects Your Swing But Sucks
This person never fails to remind you to “keep you’re head down,” “open up your hips,” and “don’t drop your shoulder” after you put one into the woods. But they also never fail to hit a shot worse than the one you just hit.
No 15: The Person Who Treats Every Putt Like It Will Win The Masters
They’ll look at the putt from the front, back, side, over in the next county, get down eye level with the ball, then do 20-30 practice swings, then step back, then ask if the break is left to right or right to left, then agree it’s straight on, then walk the line again, move a loose blade of grass, approach the putt again, do 20-30 more practice swings, and put the ball four feet short of the hole.
No 14: The Person Who Counts Every Stroke
This person is the reason why you’re always on the next tee box with three people. They’re always behind, standing on the last green, looking back towards the fairway, pointing in the air, trying to decide if they duffed the ball five times after their drive, or six. Or was it seven? Eight? Was it eight, actually? Hold on, let them count again…
No 13: The Person Who Takes 30 Minutes To Search For Their Ball
You’re not upset because this person just hit it into the woods and is on your team. You’re upset because they’ll embark on a Malaysia Airlines Flight 370-esque mission to find the ball, and, much like the mission, come up empty handed.
No 12: The Person Who Can’t Finish The Caddyshack / Happy Gilmore Quote
Whoever these people are, please send us their name, address, and social security number. We’ll notify authorities and they’ll remove such a threat to humanity.
No 11: The Person Who Always Screams “Fore!”
It’s a Par 5 and the group ahead of you is on the green. But this person will emphatically scream FFFFFOOOOORRRRREEEEE after their tee shot because the thought of a lawsuit is too much and “FORE” is irrefutable evidence in the court room.
No 10: The Person Who Always Tries Out Your Clubs And Never Puts Them Back
This person starts off the round marveling at your new Callaway XRs. By the back nine, half of your bag is in theirs and you want to take one of your remaining clubs and beat them over the head with it.
No 9: The Person 30 Over Par Who Needs To Know The Yardage To The Pin
They’re lining up their approach to the 16th green, sitting at 102 for the day, but insist on knowing the distance to the pin because they can’t decide between an 8 iron and a 9 iron.
No 8: The Person Who Cracks The “That’s A Stroke!” Joke After Someone Whiffs
The first whiff comes because you all suck at golf. This person yells, “that’s a stroke!” and giggles to themselves while looking around for approval.
Now it’s hole 10, and although you all suck just as much, the only thing that has gotten worse than this joke is the person saying it.
No 7: The Person Who Says They’re A 20 Handicap But Really Are Scratch
This person will remain coy while teams are being assembled and obviously end up playing with the person who’s in on it. Next thing you know, they’re shades of Tiger before the divorce and you’re looking down at your checking account seeing if you can even afford to ante up.
No 6: The Person Who Always Immediately Takes A Second Tee Shot “Just In Case”
This person will hit a slight hook. It’s not perfect, but it’s definitely playable. But just in case during the time they walk from the tee box to the ball, a gopher pops out of the ground and eats the ball and just after it eats the ball a hawk comes down and eats the gopher and as the hawk eats the gopher an alligator comes out of the tall grass and drags it into the water, they’ll quickly hit a second ball “to be safe” and definitely not to use the better of the two shots.
No 5: The Person Who Picks Up His Putts But Makes You Putt Yours
It’s a casual day on the course and being that it’s a casual round, the group obviously institutes the gimme rule. This person has no problem picking up their ball even when the putt is well outside the grip, but will force you to sink your 6 incher because “that’s how the pros do it.”
No 4: The Person Whose Pre-Shot Routine Involves More Choreography Than The Super Bowl Halftime Show
A few practice swings won’t get this person in the groove to hole out. They’ll institute some Cajun voodoo ritual combined with something that looks like Zumba. By the time they complete their routine, the sun has gone down and you have to get off the course.
No 3: The Business Associate Who Invites You Out For A Round and Then Says He Has A Rule Against Talking Business on the Course
This person barely does any business with your firm but they want to take you out for a round of golf. You subscribe to “money over everything” so you oblige. You go to inquire about how their TPS reports are doing, but they immediately shut you down. Turns out you were just an excuse to spend shareholder money.
No 2: The Person Who Has The Best Gear, But Can’t Hit The Fairway
This person has [insert all the best golf gear], but failed to ever understand that looking good doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll shoot -10.
No 1: The Guy Who Hits On The Cart Girl
This guy thinks the cart girl is following him around and definitely not because it’s her job to service the groups on the course. He thinks he’s confirmed his suspicion when she doesn’t charge him for the beers he just took out of the cart even though you slipped her a $50 for the drinks and putting up with his crap.