Baseball

The 4 Most Annoying Fans to Sit Next To At A Baseball Game

I got really stoned in the Dodger Stadium parking lot before a Kazuhisa Ishii start and sat behind two women who spent the entire game conversing in Japanese. The cadence of their words (mind you, I was higher than a SpaceX pilot) made it sound like they were beatboxing, and I spent the entire game transfixed by their beautifully rhythmic language. Those women were awesome to sit next to at a baseball game, but these douche bags are not…




4. The “Trying To Fight Everybody” Dude

orioles-and-yankees-fan-fight

You know why you have no friends? Because you’re loud, aggressive, and come to a baseball game looking to fight someone three inches shorter and 40 pounds lighter than you. That’s always the case with these guys: they’ll only talk shit if the person’s smaller and clearly not looking for a brawl. If you come to a baseball game not looking to scrap but some degenerate makes it impossible for you not to beat his ass, that’s obviously totally understandable…




3. No Sense Of Personal Space Peanuts Guy

peanuts

Eating anything and being able to discard the remnants on the ground without the action being deemed uncouth is one of the many things that makes America’s Pastime so enjoyable, but when the morbidly obese fellow sitting next to you plows through nuts faster than Jenna Jameson in her heyday and leaves your kicks in a pile of shells? Just get the fuck out of my life, man…




2. Overprotective Parent

overprotective

If your kid can’t listen to grown men occasionally utter the word “shit” or “fuck,” leave the kid at home…




1. Subpar Heckler

There’s nothing better than a great heckler. I went to a game once where a guy had researched and memorized everything about the rightfielder’s life — hometown, high school coaches, sister, mother, etc. — and spent nine innings getting in the dude’s head. It was masterful heckling. But for every one of those guys, there are ten dudes who think they’re funny but aren’t, and spend the entire game searching for attention because their dad never gave them any. Those guys are the absolute worst. The solution? Spit peanut shells on their feet, make fun of their overprotective mother, and then fight them during the seventh inning stretch…

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