NCAA Football

The 5 Best Alternative Professions for Jim Harbaugh

Jim Harbaugh once spent hours watching a crossing guard work because she was so good at her job. The man guzzles greatness and pisses excellence. In honor of the craziest college football coach in the country, we put together a list of the best (and worst) jobs for Jim-Baugh…

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5. Drug Addict

Resourceful, innovative, and blessed with a get-it-done attitude, Jim would be able to get his fix no matter the situation. His rise to the top of the crackhead “profession” would be swift. We’re pretty sure his body naturally converts oxygen into meth as is…

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4. Elementary School Teacher

Millennials are terrible, so can you imagine the next generation? They’re only gonna talk to computers and have zero respect for their elders. Jim would slap those little shits into shape before all hope is lost…

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3. Detective

In an alternate universe, Jim Harbaugh is Detective Stabler (of Law & Order SVU) and Christopher Meloni (a stud quarterback in high school) is patrolling the Michigan sideline. Jim wouldn’t hesitate to plant evidence if he knew the guy was guilty, a quality we respect when analyzing fictional detectives…

 

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2. Marriage Counselor

Wait — bad therapist, but great marriage counselor? Absolutely. Therapists get paid to listen to people bitch and moan, marriage counselors get paid to make the bitching and moaning stop as quickly as possible. If you’re having marital problems, see Jim Harbaugh. He’ll save you thousands of dollars by shutting both of you up in one session…

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1. Gigolo

Any man who can keep 100 ‘roided-out 18-24-year-olds from killing each other on a daily basis could undoubtedly please 10-15 women a day sans Cialis. He clearly has the body for it. If Harbaugh weren’t making millions to coach football, he’d be getting paid hundreds of thousands to make lonely ladies feel like Tom Cruise at a swingers party circa 1997…

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