Basketball

The 6 D-Bags Who Ruin Pick-Up Basketball

You know what sucks? Jogging. Seriously, jogging can go F itself in the A with no G. The best way to break a sweat in adulthood (until you rupture your Achilles) involves getting together 10 or more of your bros, pumping up a Spalding, and pretending you still have “it” on the basketball court. That being said, there’s always a douche or two who make things significantly less fun. Let’s examine the most obnoxious types…

No 6: The Retro Jersey Douche

pickup-basketball

We get it. You get drunk, drop $50 for an Eric Montross jersey on eBay, and feel super cool wearing it on the hardwood. Really cool, bro. Totally makes up for your incredible lack of skill…

No 5: The “I’m Here For The Physicality” Guy

1joer7

Hey, Brian. Can I call you Brian? No, I don’t know your fucking name, but I do know that your propensity to drive to the lane, lower your shoulder when you don’t have an angle, and bowl me over like I called your grandmother a whore isn’t making this game very enjoyable. I’m just here to shoot threes and not get hurt, and you’re making the latter goal increasingly difficult. Please go take a Jiu-Jitsu class or some shit and leave my torso the fuck alone…

No 4: The “I’ve Just Gotta Get Into A Rhythm, But It Might Take 1,000 Shots” Guy

vasuuu

This is the dude who scored 12 points in a JV game at a small private school and thinks he’s just one jumper away from turning into Klay Thompson. You’re not going to leave this court with any friends if you keep shooting, Billy. We all hate you…

No 3: The Game Manager

point-guard

If there’s one thing guys love to do in a pick-up basketball game, it’s slow the ball down and run a half court offense. The Game Manager doesn’t like when things move too fast and orgasms whenever he passes to the wing, sets a screen, and his teammates find a way to score eight passes later. That’s basketball, baby. Not this “run ‘n gun” bullshit…

No 2: The “Let’s Just Shoot For It” Guy

sandy-lyle

Bro, did you just call illegal defense? Three in the key? And your solution for when you make a bullshit call is…let’s just shoot for it? Why don’t you just shoot yourself? Okay, way too harsh, but seriously shut the fuck up…

No 1: The Ex-D1 Ball-Hog

pickup-gods

When you play against these dudes, you realize why you were wise to hang up your sneakers in the 10th grade and focus on more important things like marijuana. They’re bigger, faster, stronger, and clearly superior to everyone else on the court, but they also have a tendency to think the show is Hamilton and they’re Lin-Manuel Miranda. Just cause you were a three-year letter winner at Stony Brook doesn’t mean that the rest of us don’t exist. Just let us touch the ball a few times and we’ll obviously make sure you get to shoot it every time down the stretch…

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