Obnoxious Little League parents are officially a plague and should immediately be eradicated via a constitutional amendment. While we wait for that to happen, all we can do for now is identify and rank these cretins so you will be prepared should you ever encounter one in the wild. Without further ado…
No 6: The “I Don’t Know The Rules” Dad
Ned Flanders throws on a jersey and thinks he can yell out whatever he wants? Yelling out “there’s always a home plate at my home for ya, son,” makes you sound like a pedo, sir. You just can’t say shit like that when you have a mustache…
No 5: The “I Can’t Express Myself” Dad
Strike out or home run, he’s gonna have the exact same facial expression as Steve Carell does here. This will be true at your wedding, graduation, and mother’s funeral. It doesn’t matter if you hit a home run or cure cancer, a stern handshake will have to do.
No 4: The “That’s My Boy” Dad
A knee injury and an utter lack of talent ended his career, but thanks to alcohol and an unwavering belief that his son “is gonna be somebody,” this dad has a reason to live. Because when the highlight of your week is watching young boys exercise, you’re not sad or creepy. You’re just one proud dad.
Shelly can do it all. Just ask her, she’ll tell you. It’s “easier without Dan around,” plus she found “this brand new yoga studio/juice bar that we should all tr- I SWEAR TO GOD, MARK JR., STRIKE OUT ONE MORE TIME AND YOU’LL BE GAYER THAN YOUR DAD. WHY DOES EVERYONE LIE? Sorry, have to recover my shakra. That was weird, did everyone hear that? Okay, so that was out loud. Sorry honey, we’ll talk about it when we see Dr. Hurwitz…”
No 2: The “Claps Too Much” Coach
He doesn’t understand the game, but he’ll clap his butt off. He read a book on the value of “encouragement.” He says “I’m proud of you son,” like it has to last forever, as if he was a dad in a movie who should be right back, but we all know is never coming home. God damn Jack Frost really shook me up. Why couldn’t you just keep your eyes on the road, Paul Giamatti? Eyes on the road.
This dad – let’s call him “Ron” – works a dead-end job and only has two friends: Jim Beam and Jack Daniels. He never hit his growth spurt physically or emotionally and everything is the umpire’s fault because he can’t confront his inner demons. Every time he yells “kick your dog blue” or “get off you knees” he’s really screaming “I’m going to die alone.” Because when the key is making it until tomorrow, the Little League World Series is enough to look forward to. It has to be…