No 7: Texas Rangers
These are the average and actual temperatures in Arlington, TX from a stretch in late June/early July 2016. Keep in mind that this isn’t even the hottest time of the year in Arlington and the humidity makes it much worse. Oh, and you also play outside. For three hours at a time. Every day. Plus you aren’t really in Dallas or Ft. Worth (not that either are anything to write home about), but in a sprawling suburban nightmare somewhere in between. As for the team, it isn’t that shitty of a situation, but they also have never won a World Series.
No 6: Florida Panthers
This is an actual photo from one of their games right before the puck dropped. It probably doesn’t help that the arena is an hour and 15 minutes from South Beach. That and the fact that no one gives a shit about the team. What a joke. The fact that you would get to live in Miami during the winter keeps them at #6. Otherwise they would be closer to #1.
No 5: Milwaukee Bucks
This quote was from the President of the frigging team who is a middle-aged white dude. Imagine how young, rich, tall, black players feel. Current player John Henson can probably give you a pretty good idea:
Oh and did we mention that the team sucks, the weather is terrible, and you have to live in Wisconsin (which I am sure is a great place – I once lived in Vermont for two years and met my wife there – but we are talking about pro athletes)?
No 4: Edmonton Oilers
Looks like a blast eh? And by “blast” we mean Arctic blast. It is -5 degrees or colder for an average of about 28 days each winter. Which, in case you forgot, is when they conduct the NHL season. Put it this way: Wayne Gretzky is about Canadian as it gets and he didn’t exactly rush back there to live when his career ended. In fact, he still lives in LA. The team also hasn’t won a title since 1990 and seems to pick #1 overall every year without getting better.
No 3: Miami Marlins
This photo was taken at their brand new stadium, which was designed, ya know, to improve attendance. The man behind that stadium was Jeffrey Loria, widely considered one of the cheapest, worst owners in sports. So you get to live in Miami, but instead of enjoying yourself you have to go to the ballpark every day and play for an owner you hate on a team that isn’t going anywhere. On the bright side, you may get lucky and win a fluky store-bought World Series.
No 2: Jacksonville Jaguars
Gus Bradley’s career record is 14-44. When the Super Bowl was in Jacksonville, half the media members covering the game were all set to come home halfway through the week. The University of Florida will always get more media and fan attention than the Jags. The heat and humidity during training camp are brutal. The “color rush” uniforms look like urine from a hungover frat boy. We could keep listing reasons why playing for the Jags would suck, but we try to keep these articles pithy.
No 1: Cleveland Browns
Who wouldn’t want to play for an owner who was nearly indicted by the FBI for ripping off his own customers, who drafted Johnny Manziel because a homeless person told him to, in a city where the weather is notoriously shitty, for a team that never wins and shuffles through executives, coaches, and QBs with speed that would make a Vegas blackjack dealer jealous. They’re the Browns. Nothing else really needs to be said.