The Academy Awards of Local Athlete Commercials

We’ve all seen the LeBron Kia commercials, the ubiquitous Chris Paul-DeAndre Jordan State Farm duet, and any number of companies’ infliction of Peyton Manning on our screens, from DirecTV to Papa John’s. But athletes star in ads all the time for a quick paycheck, commercials that will never be seen outside of their local area. Until now.

Best Song: David Ortiz & Rob Gronkowski

It’s the authenticity that sells it. There is no doubt in our minds that Big Papi spends his free time in a white-washed room with flowing linens, crystal candlesticks, and Gronk in the corner finger-painting.

Most Racially Insensitive: Jason Campbell

To be fair to Campbell, it isn’t really his fault, but as he agreed to star in this thing, some of the responsibility is on him. With commercials like this, it’s no wonder Washington was caught up in a national uproar over its mascot.

Most Festive: Jose Lima

We have never been as happy in our entire lives as Jose Lima is in this commercial for what appears to be the Tex-Mex version of Olive Garden, a theory supported by this review:


Best Supporting Actor: Jason Alexander

Not exactly local, but it’s old enough that most of the people reading this probably don’t remember young George Costanza’s brilliant wordless performance alongside Yogi Berra. This award should make up for his never having won an Emmy.

Best Reprisal: Timofey Mozgov

Nothing about these two commercials is anything less than 100% awkward. From Mozgov’s indisguisable reliance on cue cards to the backward shirt to the impossible-to-come-by-naturally-in-Ohio tan, the series is so laughable that we can only hope he finds a good local endorsement here in L.A.

Most Convincing: Marshawn Lynch

What’s an ad for if not to draw in customers? When we saw this commercial, we were tempted to move our headquarters to the greater Seattle area just to get a house call from Mar-Lyn.

Best Prostitution-Related Double Entendre: Larry Bird

Pay close attention to the very first moments, when Big Bird pulls a textbook “Oh hello, I didn’t see you there” circa Reagan.

Best Actor: John Scott

Scott gets an A+ for commitment. In fact, all of the Blackhawks know how to make fools of themselves:


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